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2ND DRAFT… The idyllic life of an adolescent surfer is upended when his family moves to pre-revolution Tehran, a virtual melting pot of American expats submerged in an alien culture where certain realities are but an illusion.
This isn't really a logline. It's simply a setup. Check out the "Our formula" tab for help with formatting. In future, if you could also just post one version of a logline and allow feedback and then keep revisions within that initial post that would be great. It allows users to follow the evolutionRead more
This isn’t really a logline. It’s simply a setup. Check out the “Our formula” tab for help with formatting.
In future, if you could also just post one version of a logline and allow feedback and then keep revisions within that initial post that would be great. It allows users to follow the evolution of an logline.
Why does it matter that he’s a surfer? What is this character’s goal? It needs to be tied to the inciting incident (in this case, moving to Tehran). What is actually happening to this character? Where is the conflict?
See lessWhen an autistic American teenager falls in love with an Italian girl, he must overcome his difficulties with social interaction to win her.
I'd always advise against using words like "win her". It's a little old fashioned. Is the goal to make her fall in love with him too (surely that's up to her)? Or simply notice him? I'd focus on the latter. What does "overcome his difficulties with social interaction" look like on screen? Is this aRead more
I’d always advise against using words like “win her”. It’s a little old fashioned. Is the goal to make her fall in love with him too (surely that’s up to her)? Or simply notice him? I’d focus on the latter.
What does “overcome his difficulties with social interaction” look like on screen? Is this a short or a feature length? I only ask because he could potentially overcome his difficulties in 5 minutes or it could take 5 years. I feel like there needs to be a more visual struggle that represents him overcoming his social anxieties. Maybe he needs to perform in the school talent show? Or win the part of the lead in the Xmas play (where she plays the female lead). Or do you imagine this taking place over one lazy summer (akin to Call Me By Your Name).
See lessA semi-retired military contractor accepts a special recon job involving defected Allied and Enemy soldiers in the Middle-East, there, the PMCs uncover a ritualistic cult heralding the emergence of their colossal-sized Nephilim.
What happens next? You've given us a lot of information about what this contractor does but none of it really relates to the cult or the nephilim. As mentioned in previous versions, if the reader doesn't know what a nephilim is you might have lost them. Make sure the threat is described in a way thaRead more
What happens next?
You’ve given us a lot of information about what this contractor does but none of it really relates to the cult or the nephilim. As mentioned in previous versions, if the reader doesn’t know what a nephilim is you might have lost them. Make sure the threat is described in a way that is immediately understandable. You can go into more details in a synopsis but in a logline, you need instant understanding. Why have you moved away from the simpler “team of soldiers” idea with the leader as the protagonist?
I like the introduction of the cult – it adds another layer to the conflict but you need to tell us what is actually happening. What is the action? What is the contractor going to do? What is his goal?
What’s a PMC by the way? Don’t use words that someone might have to look up.
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