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After a meek high-school junior is thrown out of her house by her authoritarian mother, she unwittingly gets drawn into drugs and human trafficking, and struggles at every turn to survive in this dangerous underworld.
How does she get drawn into drugs and human trafficking? To me, that's a leap from being a high-school junior. In the inciting incident you set up the mother as the antagonist, but the goal is unrelated - to survive the criminal underworld. I'd consider revising the inciting incident to relate to thRead more
How does she get drawn into drugs and human trafficking? To me, that’s a leap from being a high-school junior.
In the inciting incident you set up the mother as the antagonist, but the goal is unrelated – to survive the criminal underworld. I’d consider revising the inciting incident to relate to the drugs and human trafficking. Or the goal to be something to do with her mother.
As Richiev said, survival is not a goal. What does she actually want to achieve?
See lessA World War II British Army nurse gives up non-combatant status to sabotage her German captors? ambush of a British patrol, which leads her towards overcoming fears, superstitions & desire for safety in her increasingly dangerous world.
Agree with Richiev. There's a lot of information in here that isn't necessary to a logline and you're missing some that is. I've gotta ask as well... if she's been captured, how is she going to be able to do much at all? Everything after "patrol" is unnecessary in a logline - she's a nurse on the coRead more
Agree with Richiev.
There’s a lot of information in here that isn’t necessary to a logline and you’re missing some that is. I’ve gotta ask as well… if she’s been captured, how is she going to be able to do much at all?
Everything after “patrol” is unnecessary in a logline – she’s a nurse on the continent during WWII… the world is about as dangerous as it gets so her desire for safety and her fears are all pretty much a given. What we do need though is a more visual description of what she’s actually going to do and how. Tell us more about her too. Give her a characteristic that suggests her emotional journey.
Hope this helps.
See less2nd revision: A photographer with OCD battles her insecurities in a rare romance with a jovial woman who sees past her affliction.
Check out the "Our formula" tab to help with formatting. What's this photographer's goal? What does "battles her insecurities" look like onscreen? It's not very visual and could take 5 mins could take 3 years. We need more! When she falls in love with a woman who sees past her condition, an obsessivRead more
Check out the “Our formula” tab to help with formatting.
What’s this photographer’s goal? What does “battles her insecurities” look like onscreen? It’s not very visual and could take 5 mins could take 3 years. We need more!
When she falls in love with a woman who sees past her condition, an obsessive-compulsive photographer must…. then tell us what she must do.
Why a photographer? What does that bring to the table? If you’re choosing to reduce this character to her profession, her profession MUST be relevant to the story or at the very least tell us something interesting about the character.
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