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After her village is massacred, a woman travels to a remote temple to train so she can destroy her enemies and avenge her people.
Totally agree with variable and Richiev. It's pretty close though. Variable makes a valid point about the vengeance angle. If they're all dead then the only thing at stake is her life. Consider, as an alternative, something like she trains then travels to the next village to stop the bad guys destroRead more
Totally agree with variable and Richiev.
It’s pretty close though. Variable makes a valid point about the vengeance angle. If they’re all dead then the only thing at stake is her life. Consider, as an alternative, something like she trains then travels to the next village to stop the bad guys destroying another community.
Richiev highlights that calling her simply “woman” gives us the bare minimum to understand this character. You have reduced this character to a gender and that’s it. We can already establish that from your use of “her village”. Imagine someone referring to you as simply “man” or “woman”. Would you not be thinking that you’re more than that? Tell us something that makes us understand who she is but remember that it must be relevant to the story.
Hope this helps.
See less3rd version: When she falls in love with an inspiring woman who sees past her condition, an OCD-afflicted introvert?s latent insecurities threaten her rare romance with worry, frustration and jealousy.
As variable pointed out, she needs a goal. Something visual and tangible. You've told us what antagonistic forces are working against her but we need to understand what she's working towards. Worry, frustration and jealousy are things that hinder any new relationship so I think it's pretty much a giRead more
As variable pointed out, she needs a goal. Something visual and tangible. You’ve told us what antagonistic forces are working against her but we need to understand what she’s working towards. Worry, frustration and jealousy are things that hinder any new relationship so I think it’s pretty much a given. Give us something new, something that tells us why the audience should be interested in this story in particular.
I think the inciting incident is also the moment the other woman seems interested in her. I imagine there are countless occasions where we’ve all fallen in love with someone and it’s not been reciprocated but this time is different – to make it rare for her, this woman needs to return that feeling. Also, if they’re in love they’ve already got past the difficult bit – not to say it’s still not scary but you don’t say you love someone unless you’ve accepted them. In my opinion at least.
Hope this helps.
See lessAfter he’s fired for accidentally killing a noble hero, and thus taking away honor from his evil warlord boss, a disgraced henchman is forced to become the champion of a local village in order to overthrow the tyranny of his former master.?
Really like the sound of this. The only things I'd say from a logline perspective is that it's a little long but I fully appreciate the need for all that info in the inciting incident.From a story perspective, why is he "forced" to do something? Protagonist - proactive and all that. Can he not volunRead more
Really like the sound of this. The only things I’d say from a logline perspective is that it’s a little long but I fully appreciate the need for all that info in the inciting incident.
From a story perspective, why is he “forced” to do something? Protagonist – proactive and all that. Can he not voluntarily take up the mantle because he wants to show his former boss that he’s more than just a henchman? Externally he wants revenge, internally he just discovers that he just wants to be a good guy.
I think Adam makes a valid point. It might be worth clarifying a setting – in my head it’s a fantasy version of the Middle Ages – knights, damsels in distress, dragons, magic. Kinda Shrekian I guess haha.
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