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With his retirement stolen, a prideful steelworker and his coworkers attempt to steal their pensions back, only to find they aren’t the only ones after the money.
I think there's definitely an interesting idea in here but the whole thing is a bit vague. We need to understand who or what the antagonistic forces working against them is/are. Who has stolen their pensions? Who else is after the money? "Prideful" why not just "proud"? The characteristic is often uRead more
I think there’s definitely an interesting idea in here but the whole thing is a bit vague. We need to understand who or what the antagonistic forces working against them is/are. Who has stolen their pensions? Who else is after the money?
“Prideful” why not just “proud”? The characteristic is often used to hint at the emotional journey the character is going to go on – is that the case here? If not, maybe consider another trait that gives us a clue about his arc.
I’m guessing the hook here is a bunch of near retirement age guys pulling a heist although the age of all these characters is never specified so I’m making an assumption (never a good idea). I’d consider being more specific so we understand exactly who is in this group of characters as that will help us understand how the story will play out – dramatic, comedic, etc. It’s also an idea that I feel has been done before. Most recently with King of Thieves starring Michael Caine.
Hope this helps.
See lessA young couple doesn’t attach much importance to their failing relationship until a gang commits a violent takeover of America and it parts them completely!
How does a gang take over America?? Is there anyway to make this sound more plausible? A gang, to me, suggests a small to moderately sized group of people. I want to feel like, whoever this group is, they have the power to take over one of the most powerful countries in the world. Totally agree withRead more
How does a gang take over America?? Is there anyway to make this sound more plausible? A gang, to me, suggests a small to moderately sized group of people. I want to feel like, whoever this group is, they have the power to take over one of the most powerful countries in the world.
Totally agree with the current feedback. If the characters aren’t that fussed then the audience won’t be either. Up the stakes! They’re hopelessly in love, soul mates, and she’s 5 months pregnant. This adds a ticking clock element. I’m not saying do this but it’s alway a good exercise to take things to the extreme and see if it works or falls into clich? then start pulling it back and mixing it up.
Hope this helps.
See lessAfter the corrupt Mayor and tyrannical business owner of a small village accidentially shoots a young Vampire during a hunting trip, the normally peaceful and hidden vampire family leaves the forrest to seek revenge for their dead kid.
I'm with Dkpough1 on this one. If it's accidental then the audience is possibly going to side a little bit with the killers - everyone does things accidentally. The antagonist should be as bad as they can be - they hunted, tortured, and killed this young vampire - now I want the family to give up thRead more
I’m with Dkpough1 on this one. If it’s accidental then the audience is possibly going to side a little bit with the killers – everyone does things accidentally. The antagonist should be as bad as they can be – they hunted, tortured, and killed this young vampire – now I want the family to give up their peaceful (Amish vampires?) life and take out these bastards! The only thing I’d say though is make sure that the villain (the mayor) has a motive – he’s not just killing for the sake of killing. Bad guys without a goal are as flat as a hero without a goal.
I love seeing stories expand on existing mythology BUT in a logline it might be wise to not have to explain too much. The exception to this is obviously if that’s the hook. Richiev’s version is great though – we don’t need to know how he’s killed, we can fill in the blanks.
I hope this helps.
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