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Based on true events, a lonesome Sheriff?s lieutenant takes a supernatural, spiritual journey while attempting to unravel a conspiracy involving unsolved murders and missing persons and, in the process, has his cynical worldview turned upside down.
Agree with Richiev's feedback. It's all about what can be seen visually. The inner journey can be suggested though with the characteristic used to describe the protagonist. In yours, you've used 'lonesome' which suggests to me that his inner journey is to find companionship perhaps? If this isn't thRead more
Agree with Richiev’s feedback. It’s all about what can be seen visually. The inner journey can be suggested though with the characteristic used to describe the protagonist. In yours, you’ve used ‘lonesome’ which suggests to me that his inner journey is to find companionship perhaps? If this isn’t the case maybe consider a different characteristic that helps us understand his internal arc. You mention ‘cynical’ previously – that works better than lonesome in my opinion. This suggests that his eyes are opened to other-worldly possibilities – perfect for a film with supernatural elements.
I appreciate that you want there to be a supernatural element to this but as Richiev has pointed out, you need to be more specific. Supernatural is very vague. Maybe the Sheriff’s girlfriend leaves behind a message and a pill for the sheriff to take that takes him on a weird drug-induced trip through some other dimension?
In your second version, you said “before someone else close to him is murdered next” – is there a connection to the Sheriff? If so, consider making that more apparent. One of the questions frequently asked is “why this guy/girl?”. There has to be a reason why the protagonist is the protagonist. It helps that he’s already close to the first victim but surely it’s the second kill that’s related to him where things really get interesting…?
Hope this helps.
See lessAfter the death of her father, a timorous young woman struggles to put forth the effort to attend the college of her dreams due to her fathers wish for her to join the military while being threatened by the expiration date of her scholarship.
There's a lot of words here where I don't feel like there needs to be. To me it seems like, once you actually remove all the unnecessary flowery words, it's just a young woman struggling to make her mind up as to whether to join the military or go to college. As goals go, this isn't particularly visRead more
There’s a lot of words here where I don’t feel like there needs to be. To me it seems like, once you actually remove all the unnecessary flowery words, it’s just a young woman struggling to make her mind up as to whether to join the military or go to college. As goals go, this isn’t particularly visual and, when you really think about it, it could be over in just a few seconds. The goal needs to be visual – film is a visual medium and the audience needs to see her goal, not simply watch an actor acting like they’ve made a decision.?All of the conflict for this story happens inside the character’s head.
The inciting incident is the moment that upsets the balance in a character’s life that they then seek to correct (the goal). The inciting incident here is the death of her father – we need to know how this relates to her goal. There needs to be more coherence like the discovery of a letter written to her expressing her father’s wishes or something.
If this is a feature length, then there definitely needs to be more going on to fill 90mins+.
Why is going to college so important for her? What happens if she doesn’t go? What was her relationship with her father like? Why is his wishes for her so important to her?
You need to give us more story with less words – ideally no more than 35.
See lessTo save her job, a downsized pharmaceutical statistician with Asperger’s uses all her wiles on a dangerous mission to expose ED drug counterfeiters.
At 56 words your second attempt is way too long. Why the Asperger's? What does that add to the story? Is someone with Asperger's even likely to accept a mission like this? Who even gives this kind of assignment to a pharmaceutical statistician with Asperger's? Surely it would be dealt with by some oRead more
At 56 words your second attempt is way too long.
Why the Asperger’s? What does that add to the story? Is someone with Asperger’s even likely to accept a mission like this? Who even gives this kind of assignment to a pharmaceutical statistician with Asperger’s? Surely it would be dealt with by some official agency who deals with this stuff? It just makes no sense.
Currently, I feel there is a massive disconnect between all the elements and it just doesn’t seem logical. If a reader can go “can’t they just…” or simply find themselves asking “why?” then it’s time to go back to the drawing board.
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