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After an 18 year old teenager who was born and raised on a safe space colony on Mars visits the post-apocalyptic Earth for the first time, he needs to find out,where he really belongs ? with his family up on the Mars, or down here on the Earth.
As Richiev has stated, you need to include what it is that makes him want to stay on earth. Not only is that the incident that starts the whole adventure but it also establishes what sort of film we're looking at, helps to provide stakes, can hint at antagonistic forces working against him, and makeRead more
As Richiev has stated, you need to include what it is that makes him want to stay on earth. Not only is that the incident that starts the whole adventure but it also establishes what sort of film we’re looking at, helps to provide stakes, can hint at antagonistic forces working against him, and makes us understand his goal. That’s how important this one detail is.
Dkpough1’s feedback is spot on too. As far as the goal goes, making a decision is an internal struggle. Imagine watching someone make a decision – it could take seconds, minutes, or days but you’d still just be watching someone thinking. For a visual medium this is a really boring thing to see so make his goal something tangible and visual. This goal can be used to represent the internal goal – in Stand By Me for example, the journey to find the body represents the characters coming of age.
Without the inciting incident and corresponding goal it’s difficult to understand what the stakes are so focus on those two bits first and, if you get them right, chances are everything else will fall into place.
Hope this helps.
See lessIn Carella City, ageing can be postponed but not vanquished, until an exiled murderer helps a 157 year old woman evade her creator.
I wouldn't bother with the city name, it adds nothing to the logline. I would consider changing this for something that tells us where Carella City is. Is it Earth: 2178? Or a parallel universe? Another planet? A galaxy far, far away?Who's the protagonist? The murderer or the old woman?What's the inRead more
I wouldn’t bother with the city name, it adds nothing to the logline. I would consider changing this for something that tells us where Carella City is. Is it Earth: 2178? Or a parallel universe? Another planet? A galaxy far, far away?
Who’s the protagonist? The murderer or the old woman?
What’s the inciting incident? Is it the moment they realise she’s evaded death? Or is when these two first meet?
What’s the goal? To evade death? Or to protect this woman from the authorities so the secret doesn’t get out?
Why do we care about an exiled murderer? What was he exiled for? Maybe if he was a bio-engineer who was researching methods of immortality and accidentally killed someone we would be more sympathetic to his plight?
Other than death, who or what antagonistic forces are working against them? Why do we care if he doesn’t succeed in keeping her alive? (if that is his goal) She was going to die anyway right? We need to care about both of these characters and want them to achieve what they set out to do.
I feel like there’s a lot of information missing for me to understand what’s actually happening in this story. There’s definitely a story in there somewhere though.
After finding the woman he was exiled for murdering very much alive, a bio-engineer, tasked with finding the cure for death, must keep her alive long enough to uncover the conspiracy hiding the key to mankind’s immortality.?
This is long and a bit vague but there’s a strong connection between the inciting incident and the goal, internal and external motivation, stakes, antagonistic forces. No idea whether this is remotely close to the story you’re trying to tell though.
Hope this helps.
See lessBased on true events, a lonesome Sheriff?s lieutenant takes a supernatural, spiritual journey while attempting to unravel a conspiracy involving unsolved murders and missing persons and, in the process, has his cynical worldview turned upside down.
Most stories are remarkably simple when you actually break them down. Even films that seem incredibly complicated, such as Christopher Nolan's Inception, can still be reduced to a simple spine of story. With this in mind, I'm struggling to understand what everything that happens with the brother andRead more
Most stories are remarkably simple when you actually break them down. Even films that seem incredibly complicated, such as Christopher Nolan’s Inception, can still be reduced to a simple spine of story.
With this in mind, I’m struggling to understand what everything that happens with the brother and drug cartel has to do with his quest for the girl. You said that it’s the romantic pursuit of the girl that takes the protagonist on a supernatural journey – this journey being what forms the basis for your logline – ?but this has nothing to do with the the brother, the drugs cartel, or indeed the unsolved murders and conspiracy which wasn’t really covered by your synopsis. It’s a simple love story.
What are the true events? The way you’ve written some things sounds very much like they are pure fiction. Which bit’s true?
I feel like there are two completely different stories being told (based on your synopsis) and I can’t see (yet) how they are related. Firstly you need to decide what his primary goal is, is it to get the girl or to save his brother? That then gives you something to use for your inciting incident. There needs to be coherence between all the elements ?- the subplots must affect the main plot in some way. The logline, however, must focus on the main plot. Tell us his primary goal, what happened that started his journey towards this goal and what antagonistic forces he’s working against. ?As far as characteristics go, if you tell us he’s lonely but the logline doesn’t suggest a love interest then it doesn’t really give us anything. BUT tell us he’s straight-laced or by-the-book combined with a plot to do with finding out his brother is a criminal and suddenly we can see where this guy is going to go.
Hope this helps.
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