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When a cold hearted engineer leaves his visually impaired brother in the middle of a hiking trail, he must plan his escape or die alone in the wilderness.
As Richiev pointed out, it needs to be clarified who the lead character is. If it's the visually impaired brother (which it should be) then write the inciting incident from his view point e.g. When he's abandoned by his brother... etc. We don't need to know the brother is cold-hearted - that's fairlRead more
As Richiev pointed out, it needs to be clarified who the lead character is. If it’s the visually impaired brother (which it should be) then write the inciting incident from his view point e.g. When he’s abandoned by his brother… etc.
We don’t need to know the brother is cold-hearted – that’s fairly apparent. It also doesn’t matter that he’s an engineer. It would be better to put something in that hints at his reason why.
The goal “plan his escape or die alone in the wilderness” is a bit weird to me. Planning happens inside someone’s head for a start, think more visually. But also I’m not sure you can “escape the wilderness” as such. ?The goal is to get back to civilisation in one piece. Simple!?I’ve gotta ask though, he’s on a hiking trail…? Why can’t he just turn around and follow it back? He’s not blind so I’m assuming he has some sight… I wonder if the stakes need to be upped. He’s blind or he’s not on a hiking trail is the simple answer. What’s the story you’re trying to tell here? One about the strength of the human spirit in impossible situations or one about a family relationship?
See lessRevised (Round 2)- After a tragedy in London, Ohio, sends a dead soldier to the Veil World of the Supernatural, The soldier must stop a werewolf from entering the veil and destroying reality and exposing the supernatural to world, provoking chaos and destruction.
What's the veil world? If you're creating a fantasy world and with fantasy locations, you have to make sure that the reader understands what it is. Imagine if you didn't know what Rivendell was and someone included it in a logline. You might have to use more words but I think that's par for the courRead more
What’s the veil world? If you’re creating a fantasy world and with fantasy locations, you have to make sure that the reader understands what it is. Imagine if you didn’t know what Rivendell was and someone included it in a logline. You might have to use more words but I think that’s par for the course with fantasy loglines, there’s a world to introduce – not just a story.
His only characteristic is that he’s relentless. What his emotional journey? Why must he be the one to stop this happening? Why not another guy? As Craig pointed out, a fighter just fights. Is he actually a warrior? A hero? A wizard who fight with magic? Give us a little more to understand who this character is.
Destroying reality is one of those goals that is so finite it’s completely non-sensical. It’s like destroying the universe. What does the werewolf have to gain by doing this because, if he’s destroying reality, surely he’s destroying himself? If you mean “the real-world” as opposed to “The Veiled World” then you need to be more specific.
There’s a lot of confusing elements in this logline and it’s never a good idea to allow the reader to try and work out what they think is going on.
See lessAn independent realist woman’s life is abruptly disturbed when she finds a rich, powerful, and cold hearted man that tests her strength and willpower to melt the ice around his heart.
I simply don't understand why an independent, realistic woman would want to be with a man who's described as rich, powerful and cold-hearted. Why does she care about him? And more importantly, why will the audience? He doesn't sound appealing in any way! This is all so vague too. How is her life abrRead more
I simply don’t understand why an independent, realistic woman would want to be with a man who’s described as rich, powerful and cold-hearted. Why does she care about him? And more importantly, why will the audience? He doesn’t sound appealing in any way!
This is all so vague too. How is her life abruptly disturbed? How is her strength and willpower tested?
I don’t see much a story here! In all honesty, I’m concerned that whatever story could be found is incredibly old-fashioned – you’ve taken an strong independent woman and reduced her to someone who simply wants a man… and not just any man… a man who is in no way likeable.
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