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When a young man is tormented by the spirit of his dead father telling him his mother will die because of him, he tries to find out more about his death.
>>>tormented by the spirit ?of his dead father The inciting incident is simply the moment his dead father tells him his mother will die because of him. The torment is part of the internal struggle to achieve his goal of. There's a little ambiguity every time you use the word "his" or "him".Read more
>>>tormented by the spirit ?of his dead father
The inciting incident is simply the moment his dead father tells him his mother will die because of him. The torment is part of the internal struggle to achieve his goal of.
There’s a little ambiguity every time you use the word “his” or “him”. I assume you’re referring to the young man BUT I couldn’t say for sure. Is the mother’s death meant to be attributed to the young man or the father? This is kinda the key plot point so I recommend making sure it’s 100% clear.
Regarding the goal… I agree with dpg on all his points. We need to understand the relationship between the father’s death and his mother’s potential death.
See lessWhen a despot king discovers ancient technology that could help him destroy his enemies he is outsmarted by an old digital human that invades his mind with a plan to conquer the real world.
Agree with Richiev and dpg. A logline should ideally be under 35 words or so. You've used 31 just on the inciting incident. It's never easy, particularly with some of the world building you are trying to do but, in my opinion, the following things are unnecessary - "Golden Kingdom", the fact it's aRead more
Agree with Richiev and dpg.
A logline should ideally be under 35 words or so. You’ve used 31 just on the inciting incident. It’s never easy, particularly with some of the world building you are trying to do but, in my opinion, the following things are unnecessary – “Golden Kingdom”, the fact it’s a “metal” cave, actually… the cave itself is irrelevant too, the technology comes from the “Old Ones”, that they’re fighting a “sacred war”. ?This could reduce the inciting incident down to “When he discovers ancient technology that could destroy his enemies”… you can then leave the character description for the next bit… “a (insert characteristic) Emperor…”.
While we’re on the inciting incident, this should be an event that upsets the balance in the protagonist’s life thus creating his goal to correct it. The inciting incident here is about this ancient technology and the goal… well there’s not really a goal at the moment but it’s either something to do with destroying his enemies or to do with this digital human. I imagine it’s more likely something to do with the latter and, if that’s the case, the inciting incident should line up with this and be about the digital human invading his mind.
He shouldn’t be sending a search party, he should be going himself. Otherwise the action for the audience is simply him waiting for them to return… that’s not visually interesting. Send him out – a protagonist should be proactive.
Basically, strip this back and work out what is essential information that the reader needs to know to understand your story. Find an inciting incident and a goal that are on opposite sides of the same scales and tie it all together.
See lessA group of assassins from around the world race against time in NYC to get to the prize that has the key to stopping bombs that are about to kill them.
Which assassin are we following? Who is the one we want to get to the key though? I love this concept but I want to have some clue about the character I'm rooting for and why. I think following all of them would be awesome fun to watch but ultimately, we have to care just a little bit more about oneRead more
Which assassin are we following? Who is the one we want to get to the key though? I love this concept but I want to have some clue about the character I’m rooting for and why. I think following all of them would be awesome fun to watch but ultimately, we have to care just a little bit more about one of them. We need an emotional conduit.
As Craig said, are they competing or working together?
Agree with Richiev, set the scene a little more. If they’ve got years then this is no where near as exciting as if they’ve got 48 hours.
I kinda feel like we might need to know why these assassins have bombs inside them and who put them there. The situation they’re all in is awesome but ultimately the defeat of the person who put them in that position is the end game. I want a cool showdown after the assassins have outsmarted the system where they confront this guy. Think of Battle Royale or Hunger Games. In both, the heroes figure out a way to outsmart the game – you need this. Obviously, all of this doesn’t have to be in the logline but I wonder if you need to hint at the cause.
Really like this though!
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