1. Posted: November 5, 2018In:

    A recovering corneal transplant patient returns home only to experience a terrifying chain of events forcing her to determine their paranormal origins before it’s too late.

    Mike Pedley Singularity

    As Richiev's new logline does, ?start with the inciting incident, introduce the protagonist, and give us a goal. This is a great concept though! I kinda want to know more about what she's seeing. "Terrifying chain of events"... give us more information. The reader should be able to visualise the stoRead more

    As Richiev’s new logline does, ?start with the inciting incident, introduce the protagonist, and give us a goal. This is a great concept though!

    I kinda want to know more about what she’s seeing. “Terrifying chain of events”… give us more information. The reader should be able to visualise the story in their head and I can’t with this. Does she see ghosts? Does she start seeing into the future? Or the past? What, specifically, does this eye allow her to see and what goal does this set up. Basically, you’re burying the hook! You don’t explicitly state that the reason why she’s seeing the paranormal is because of her transplant. Don’t be vague about that – that’s what makes your story unique!

    In the same vein “before it’s too late” is too vague as the stakes and a ticking clock. What happens if she doesn’t uncover the truth? I’m guessing she dies and the eye is transplanted into another person… franchise, anyone? But you need to tie together what she’s seeing and what’s going to happen.

    Keep going with this for sure!! It’s got legs!

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  2. Posted: November 1, 2018In:

    To stop the bloody war between the two Five Points gangs, gangleader Paul Kelly must defeat his rival Monk Eastman in a boxing match, with the winner?s gang taking the disputed territory.

    Mike Pedley Singularity

    Agree with Nir's comments. In most films the action escalates as the story progresses. In crime/gangster films, things get more and more ?violent until they're uncontrollable and it usually results in someone dying (Act II to Act III?). The levels of conflict must intensify as the story progresses.Read more

    Agree with Nir’s comments.

    In most films the action escalates as the story progresses. In crime/gangster films, things get more and more ?violent until they’re uncontrollable and it usually results in someone dying (Act II to Act III?). The levels of conflict must intensify as the story progresses. In your story, however, what starts out as a bitter and bloody war between two rival gang leaders is reduced to a simple boxing match. It doesn’t work. Your action is getting smaller and becoming more contained. Flip it round. Why not have the inciting incident as the boxing fight – each gang selects a champion and they fight for territory but the antagonistic side cheat leaving the protagonist’s gang’s champion dead on the canvas. Then the war spills out from the ring and into the streets – escalating, intensifying, and heading in the right direction for a compelling story.

    You’re right that you still need a hook though.

    Hope this helps.

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  3. Posted: October 28, 2018In:

    After Mankind’s potential for good, The Son of the Devil, in defiance of his father, arrives in Los Angeles to send the supernatural creatures back to hell before they take over the city and find the hole in the Gateway before they take over the world.

    Mike Pedley Singularity

    What's LA got to do with it? If you're going to be specific about the location I feel like I want to understand why. You've got two goals - send them back to hell before they take over the city, find the hell portal and seal it before they take over the world. They are very similar (in a visual sensRead more

    What’s LA got to do with it? If you’re going to be specific about the location I feel like I want to understand why.

    You’ve got two goals – send them back to hell before they take over the city, find the hell portal and seal it before they take over the world. They are very similar (in a visual sense) so pick one and go with it.

    I think dpg is saying that “supernatural creatures” could be more explicit. If you mean demons, say demons. If you mean vampires, ghouls, goblins, etc say that! The reader needs to be able to see it in their mind. Just cos you say demons in the logline doesn’t mean there can’t be other creatures in the screenplay BUT keep the logline simple and visual.

    Richiev covered the Inciting Incident so I won’t mention that but I agree with him on all his points.

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