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Two cops must stop a drug cartel from unleashing his narcotic on the city before everyone becomes addicted.
I think suggesting that everyone?is going to get addicted is a bit of a stretch. It doesn't matter how good the drug is. It's good to have stakes but make sure they're believable. The stakes and the goal are slightly disjointed in my mind. For everyone to become addicted the drugs need to be on theRead more
I think suggesting that everyone?is going to get addicted is a bit of a stretch. It doesn’t matter how good the drug is. It’s good to have stakes but make sure they’re believable.
The stakes and the goal are slightly disjointed in my mind. For everyone to become addicted the drugs need to be on the market already but the cops are trying to stop them getting to market. If the cops fail that doesn’t mean that everyone immediately gets addicted, it just means the drugs flood the market, word gets out about how good they are, and then everyone gets addicted. I think there’s a couple of steps missing that makes the stakes jar a little with me. Why is it so important that no one gets addicted? I get it… drugs are bad… but why are they SO bad.
As Richiev pointed out, if this is so bad then surely the DEA or at least a few more members of the team would be on this case. The scales have to be balanced.
Where’s the hook in this story? Currently, it’s just some cops doing their job. What’s going to make this story different from all the other cop films out there.
Who are these cops? Give us a little more to go on. Where’s the conflict in their partnership? This is a MUST!
See lessA Secret Service agent, must kill the President to save the Presidency. After years in exile, he must help save his estranged daughter, the newest President, when she is taken hostage.
I think I'm reading this differently to Craig and Richiev. This is never a good thing - ambiguity is where loglines go to die! Make sure that the reader knows what the inciting incident, goal and stakes are and who the main character is without leaving anything to question. I read this as follows: ARead more
I think I’m reading this differently to Craig and Richiev. This is never a good thing – ambiguity is where loglines go to die! Make sure that the reader knows what the inciting incident, goal and stakes are and who the main character is without leaving anything to question.
I read this as follows: A secret service agent is tasked with killing the president to save the presidency as part of a huge government conspiracy. He is then exiled. Years later he comes back to save his daughter, the new president, when she is kidnapped. I don’t really want to comment further before the story has been clarified.
See lessA man tormented by the death of his wife and daughter, which he accuses himself of, will have to endure the apparitions of the ghosts of his family who also blame him for their deaths.
The inciting incident should be a scene that upsets the balance in the protagonist's life thus creating the goal to reset that balance. A man being tormented and blaming himself is simply a setup. What specifically happens that is different to how he is before the story begins? In my opinion, he canRead more
The inciting incident should be a scene that upsets the balance in the protagonist’s life thus creating the goal to reset that balance. A man being tormented and blaming himself is simply a setup. What specifically happens that is different to how he is before the story begins? In my opinion, he can be a tormented man but the inciting incident is where he sees the ghosts of his wife and daughter for the first time. That’s the moment that is out of the ordinary. HOWEVER, you need to have a goal that relates strongly to this. Which leads me to point two…
What’s his goal. Currently it’s “to endure the apparitions…” So, visually, he sits, watches, endures and then it’s the end? What has he achieved? How has he changed?
It seems like everyone blames him for their deaths… everyone is on the same side of this argument? Where’s the conflict? He blames himself, they blame him… he has a miserable life. Does anyone think he wasn’t to blame? All films need conflict. Without that you have nothing.
A lot of the action you’ve described above takes place in the character’s head. Think more visually. What are we going to see on screen and how is it interesting for an audience? How does the audience know this guy is tormented? (and he can’t just talk to himself and say “I’m tormented”). In the same vein “enduring” something could just be the character sitting while the apparitions point their fingers. How is it visually interesting for an audience?
Is this a short? If not, how is this going keep an audience interested for 90+ mins? How is this a Thriller too? The genre selected should be apparent in the logline. If it were a comedy I would expect to understand from the logline where the humour came from. With a thriller, I need to understand what’s “thrilling” about the story. For me, everything in this logline could happen in one room in 5 minutes.
In short, the character needs a goal, there needs to be conflict, and there needs to be something visual going on.
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