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When he is framed for the murder of his boss, a genetically engineered assassin must protect the boss’s daughter from his enemies to clear his name after he is hunted by three major Syndicates.
The inciting incident isn't that his boss is killed, it's the reveal that the protagonist has been framed for the murder. That's the moment that turns the protagonist's life upside down.We need to feel like the protagonist is in real danger... "targeted by three major syndicates" doesn't mean much tRead more
The inciting incident isn’t that his boss is killed, it’s the reveal that the protagonist has been framed for the murder. That’s the moment that turns the protagonist’s life upside down.
We need to feel like the protagonist is in real danger… “targeted by three major syndicates” doesn’t mean much to me. We need to know his life is on the line! He’s not just being targeted – he’s being hunted! That’s the dramatic irony!
When he’s framed for the murder of his boss and mentor, a genetically engineered assassin is hunted by rival hitmen as he struggles to uncover the truth and clear his name.
It’s not perfect but it clearly shows how the imbalance of the inciting incident sets up the goal and includes the dramatic irony of the assassin being hunted. Arguably there are two goals (find the truth AND clear his name) but they’re interconnected… to do one he has to do the other.
Hope this helps.
See lessA former one of the best CIA Black ops agent is forced back into action after a transport of currency is stolen by an unknown group he was requested to transport.
The unknown group should be one which this agent believed he put an end to during his career. It's personal and it'd be understandable why he'd come back into play. As Craig pointed out, there needs to be a link. I feel like it's a bit vague. You haven't specified which currency has been stolen andRead more
The unknown group should be one which this agent believed he put an end to during his career. It’s personal and it’d be understandable why he’d come back into play. As Craig pointed out, there needs to be a link.
I feel like it’s a bit vague. You haven’t specified which currency has been stolen and it’s an unknown group. Specifics will help ground the story. For example, if he’d stolen US dollars we can picture the story in the states and I would consider it to just be a “in it for the money” kinda thing. However if it was the currency in a poor country, immediately I’d be thinking why steal the currency of a country that’s poor… there must something else going on, something that’s bigger than just stealing cash.
You’ve used 8 words to describe the protagonist. Is it important that we know he’s “black ops federal agent (CIA black ops)”? Can’t you just say retired CIA agent? Or retired federal agent? Given the logline as it stands, I’m not sure the “black ops” bit adds anything that we don’t already get from CIA agent. I could be swayed though… black ops does suggest something darker and more mysterious but I need something to hint at that from the rest of the logline.
A protagonist should be proactive. He can be requested back into service but ultimately the decision must be his. That’s your break into act 2.
Hope this helps.
See lessWhen a Major disappears after an skirmishes with enemy forces, a search and rescue is undertaken as a Rookie slowly uncovers the existence of a greater, more primal threat that evolves into a series of horrific encounters beyond their capabilities.
Definitely heading in the right direction!!Give the Captain a characteristic and maybe take it away from the Major. I don't think it matters that the Major is distinguished... at least not as much as it matters that the Captain is *insert characteristic here*. I don't think it matters what the missiRead more
Definitely heading in the right direction!!
Give the Captain a characteristic and maybe take it away from the Major. I don’t think it matters that the Major is distinguished… at least not as much as it matters that the Captain is *insert characteristic here*. I don’t think it matters what the mission is either – not in the logline at least.?
This is a horror right? If the adversary (still a Nephilim I imagine) is the source of the horror, killing, eating, etc as per previous versions, make the last bit sound scarier. The reader needs to understand where the fear is coming from. He should be stalking them and picking them off in the dark one by one. Obviously that’s too wordy but you know what I mean. I’d play up the ancient bit too… that’s the bit that’ll save it from seeming like a Predator film.
I’d consider just “Goliath” as the title. Fubar means Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition. So The Goliath Fubar doesn’t read well to me – the Goliath fucked up beyond all recognition. Sounds like the goliath made a big mistake… maybe that’s your intention? Goliath on it’s own though… sounds military, ancient, biblical, terrifying. That’s totally your call though… this is just my opinion.
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