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With the Ragnarok coming, a cursed young prince, alone among his enemies, seeks salvation through searing visions to save his starfaring empire while two Special Affairs agents, with an intense blood feud between their clans, must solve an intergalactic conspiracy to prevent their planet from losing its fragile sovereignty.
Way too much going on. Simplify. Focus on your protagonist, what's the inciting incident, why does this upset the balance and how does the prince seek to correct it. There seems to be two completely separate stories going on. Why?? There's no obvious connection between the two plots. Again, simplifyRead more
Way too much going on. Simplify. Focus on your protagonist, what’s the inciting incident, why does this upset the balance and how does the prince seek to correct it.
There seems to be two completely separate stories going on. Why?? There’s no obvious connection between the two plots.
Again, simplify.
See lessViolence is personal for this genetically engineered assassin when he is targeted by three major Syndicates for the death of his employer, a Syndicate patriarch, and must clear his name.
Fancy words does not a fancy logline make. Why say patriarch when, as Richiev has done, you could say Boss. Check out the formula tab for help with formatting. For what it's worth, this is by far the best logline of yours that I've read. Largely because it's simple. It's a simple story, with a simplRead more
Fancy words does not a fancy logline make. Why say patriarch when, as Richiev has done, you could say Boss.
Check out the formula tab for help with formatting.
For what it’s worth, this is by far the best logline of yours that I’ve read. Largely because it’s simple. It’s a simple story, with a simple character, dramatic irony (assassin being targeted),?an inciting incident that clearly upsets the balance in his life and an obvious primal goal (survival and to clear his name) that will correct the imbalance.
All of the best stories are remarkably simple. This one interests me and I’m keen to see your next version. Just make sure that you don’t lose the hook – to me that’s the whole genetic engineering bit. Keep that front and centre!
See lessOrbiting a dead world rich with ancient history to find her people,a newly minted female admiral must convince a hard-nosed male security agent of her loyalties and allegiances after being discovered she descends from the bloodline of his people’s eternal enemy, a nearly extinct race of superhuman slavers.
I find this really hard to read and understand. It's a doomed expedition. If we know from the outset it's doomed where's the story? A doomed expedition launches and fails as expected... because it's doomed. THE END. What's a Supernova Admiral? Is a Supernova a ship? Is it a rank? Don't add details lRead more
I find this really hard to read and understand.
It’s a doomed expedition. If we know from the outset it’s doomed where’s the story? A doomed expedition launches and fails as expected… because it’s doomed. THE END.
What’s a Supernova Admiral? Is a Supernova a ship? Is it a rank? Don’t add details like this unless you’re sure everyone will understand them.
Why does the fact she’s wary and attentive come into play? Why do we need to know this?
Who is the main antagonist? Pick one and go with that, it’ll be easier for a reader to understand what’s actually going on if you remove the lesser antagonists and focus on who is the one that will give us the stories end.
So her goal is to stop her reputation being tarnished. Why do we care about that? There’s is nothing in this logline that relates to how important her reputation is, and if she’s in any way affiliated with this doomed mission then surely her reputation’s in tatters anyway?
Strip this way way way back and focus on what the protagonist wants… to find her people. Tell us why she’s alone. Why is it important for her to find more of her kin? Tell us how she ended up without her people. This is your story.
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