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Through interference with dimensional aliens, several lost Roman legions is transported to a brutal world of magics, monsters, and hellish creatures and must fight to reshape the world in the name of Caesar and Rome.
Agree with Richiev. The Romans should either be fighting monsters in hell OR aliens from outer space. Not both. Seemingly, your aliens disappear after the inciting incident though... How are Roman legions going to destroy magic, monsters, etc. There's a limited supply of legionnaires so it's not likRead more
Agree with Richiev.
The Romans should either be fighting monsters in hell OR aliens from outer space. Not both. Seemingly, your aliens disappear after the inciting incident though…
How are Roman legions going to destroy magic, monsters, etc. There’s a limited supply of legionnaires so it’s not like numbers will help them. I see a massacre simply because they’re suddenly somewhere where their roman rules don’t apply. If their goal was to escape back to their dimension then it would make more sense.
I think there is too much you’re trying to do. Aliens, magic, monsters, ancient romans, inter-dimensional travel… I can’t see this all working together.
You need a protagonist too. Who is the person who is the emotional conduit for the audience. Who’s eyes do we see all this through? That’s really important.
Hope this helps.
See lessDrawn to older men, an idealistic teenager starts dating an unmarried software engineer and is forced to choose between free will to love with her heart or obey societal norms to appease the locals.
Richiev's comments are spot on as usual. Why do you need to state the software engineer is unmarried? Or a software engineer? He's just a 35 year old man right? If there's no link between what's in your logline and the story then don't say it. People will spend their time trying to understand the reRead more
Richiev’s comments are spot on as usual.
Why do you need to state the software engineer is unmarried? Or a software engineer? He’s just a 35 year old man right? If there’s no link between what’s in your logline and the story then don’t say it. People will spend their time trying to understand the relevance of that and if it’s not obvious they’ll make assumptions. Assumptions kill loglines!
>>> free will to love with her heart
Love is love. You don’t need to say love with her heart.
>>> obey societal norms to appease the locals
Is there any way you can make this sound more interesting? We’re talking about love and it sounds like a news report. You want the reader to have an emotional response to your logline so be creative, not formal. Richiev’s version, specifically targeting her mother, is great because everyone can relate to doing something your mother doesn’t want you to. Emotionally, we connect with it. That’s what you’re looking for.
How is this story different to Romeo & Juliet? Or any story that involves lovers from different worlds/classes/etc and their relationship is frowned upon? I don’t see a hook? Why is your story unique?
See lessWith a wish granted, an angry and disillusioned man becomes a powerful god and must prevent the ordinary authorities from circumventing his goal to cleanse the earth of evil.
So your main character is an angry and disillusioned god who wants to cleanse the earth of evil? How is the audience going to get behind him? Whilst the goal of ridding the world of evil is noble, the fact that he's disillusioned suggests that what he considers evil may not be what others do. ThereRead more
So your main character is an angry and disillusioned god who wants to cleanse the earth of evil? How is the audience going to get behind him? Whilst the goal of ridding the world of evil is noble, the fact that he’s disillusioned suggests that what he considers evil may not be what others do. There are many historical figures who have attempted to “cleanse the earth of evil” – I doubt an audience would root for any of them. To me, this guy’s the super villain and your story is in desperate need of a hero.
Who’s granting the wishes? Surely this character/object deserves further explanation for being such a critical moment?
>>> prevent the ordinary authorities from circumventing his goal…
Is this just a fancy way of trying to say that the world is trying to stop him? What are the ordinary authorities? Surely for this kind of situation the extraordinary authorities would get involved too. Superheroes demand supervillains! How can the ordinary authorities stop a god?
Hope this helps.
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