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A top cop receives a rookie partner to help him to down a drug cartel after losing his old partner to the same cartel.
Agree with all above comments. Clarity is key in a logline!The top cop isn't the reckless cop. Usually these guys are partners because it generates conflict. Lethal Weapon is a great example of this.As CraigDGriffiths pointed out, you have a list of goals... which is the goal? To me it should be stoRead more
Agree with all above comments. Clarity is key in a logline!
The top cop isn’t the reckless cop. Usually these guys are partners because it generates conflict. Lethal Weapon is a great example of this.
As CraigDGriffiths pointed out, you have a list of goals… which is the goal? To me it should be stopping the cartel. Through the lessons learnt and relationship developed while trying to bring the cartel to justice they learn to be less reckless or more relaxed… whatever the opposite of the opening is.
How is this going to be different to most other buddy cop films? I’m not seeing a hook right now.
As a comedy I think it’s important to understand where the humour is coming from in a logline like this. You could just as easily put this in drama, action, or thriller and it wouldn’t matter as it currently stands. If you want it to be a comedy, make us understand why the audience is going to be laughing. In Rush Hour for example, the humour comes from the “eastern straight laced cop” meets “western plays by his own rules cop”. With the right adjectives, it would be immediately obvious that the humour largely comes from the culture clash. In version 2, give us a clue where the comedy is coming from. Or change it to an action film (if you’re going for action/comedy).
Hope this helps.
See lessDuring an extraction, the head of a Special Forces unit vanishes overnight, the second-in-command leads an impromptu search and rescue in which the unit are attacked by an adversary from an ancient and forgotten age.
In your new version I'd argue that the inciting incident wasn't them being given the task... that's something that happens every day in the military. The inciting incident is the moment when the balance is thrown and in this scenario, in my opinion, it's when the first soldier disappears. The task tRead more
In your new version I’d argue that the inciting incident wasn’t them being given the task… that’s something that happens every day in the military. The inciting incident is the moment when the balance is thrown and in this scenario, in my opinion, it’s when the first soldier disappears. The task they’re given is still largely irrelevant to the story at the moment. If you’re going so far to tell us that it’s an extraction mission, then the reader will assume that it’s related to the plot. So either make it obviously related to the plot or take it out. The worst thing you can do is let a reader make assumptions about your story.
If this is set in our world, a giant would be mysterious. It’s a given. The creature in question is the hook… it needs to sound dark, dangerous and terrifying enough to wipe out a team of highly trained soldiers. For me, a mysterious giant doesn’t do that. I struggle to see a giant as stealthy, sneaky, dark and shadowy. But that could just be me.
How is this going to be different from Predator? I tried writing a logline and realised it’s a remarkably similar story just set in some desert mountains rather than a jungle.
See lessDuring an extraction, the head of a Special Forces unit vanishes overnight, the second-in-command leads an impromptu search and rescue in which the unit are attacked by an adversary from an ancient and forgotten age.
I have a few issues/questions with this logline. Would a soldier with PTSD be allowed to lead his unit? Surely PTSD is treated pretty seriously in the military and that would rule him out of active duty? I'm not familiar with military protocol so this is as much as question as it is a concern aboutRead more
I have a few issues/questions with this logline.
Would a soldier with PTSD be allowed to lead his unit? Surely PTSD is treated pretty seriously in the military and that would rule him out of active duty? I’m not familiar with military protocol so this is as much as question as it is a concern about the central character.
The whole logline reads like a standard military action/thriller type thing and then suddenly you get to a Nephilim. I had to google a Nephilim which is issue no. 1. If people are unfamiliar with the bible (as I am) then you’ve potentially lost them. Issue no. 2 is that, as I’ve discovered this morning, a Nephilim is an?offspring of the “sons of God” and the “daughters of men”. Without reading more deeply why does this pose a threat to the unit? I don’t understand where the horror comes into play without further explanation. You need to tell us more about the Nephilim’s goal for us to understand why this is scary and enough to keep us interested for 90+ mins.
Why do we care about the unit and the high-priority target? We don’t know the significance of this from the logline so there is nothing to emotionally connect us to the story. If they were extracting a “special child” out then there’s a possibility – plus the suggestion that the child is “special” would spark interest… maybe this child is connected to the Nephilim? If you’re gonna go biblical, let’s actually go there!?The goal is to get this target to safety I’m guessing (although this isn’t explicitly stated and probably should be) but I wonder if this could be expanded on. Why is it important to get this target somewhere? Be specific.
In my opinion, scrap the PTSD and give the soldier another characteristic that ties him into the story better. Expand on the hook – that’s the Nephilim – this is the bit that makes your story unique. I don’t care that they’re going through Taliban controlled Afghanistan and I don’t care that they’re crossing through a dangerous region – they’re soldiers… it’s a given. These are taking up a lot of the limited word count and adding very little.
What’s the inciting incident that sets this story in motion? It should probably be something to do with the target. Something that tells us why they are important and, in my opinion, needs to suggest a connection to the Nephilim. Without this connection I’d be wondering what’s the point in this character. It can’t just be a convenient reason to send these soldiers out. They could just be on any other mission and you wouldn’t lose anything.
I know that sounds like a lot of negative comments but I genuinely believe there’s a great idea in here and I want you to find it.
Hope this helps.
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