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After falling in love a doctor while recovering in a hospital a woman find out she’s in coma. Now she must decide, will she wake up and go back to her life or will she stay?
There is some ambiguity in this logline. When you say "will she stay" do you mean stay in the coma or stay with the Doctor she has fallen in love with? We need to understand enough about her current life to understand why this choice may be difficult for her. Is she actually happily married with chiRead more
There is some ambiguity in this logline. When you say “will she stay” do you mean stay in the coma or stay with the Doctor she has fallen in love with? We need to understand enough about her current life to understand why this choice may be difficult for her. Is she actually happily married with children but she has secretly been hiding her attraction to women ? (I’m basing this on your previous loglne although I admit this might have changed since then… you don’t specify a gender in this version) This is then a story about her being true to herself – something easily relatable.
I think the idea of searching through her memories to effectively find out who she is and determine her course of action is a good one. Quite similar to Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind though… just something to be aware of.
Her goal is to make a decision. This is not a visual goal as all the action happens inside the character’s head. I get that much of the action will be happening inside the character’s head anyway but visually she needs to be doing something interesting for the audience. Can you think of a way to make the two options tangible, visual goals. Perhaps she’s on a quest in her mind to find a magical McGuffin which allows her to travel back but on the journey things happen that make her question whether she even wants to return or stay?
See lessA has-been country singer reunites with his estranged reckless 16-year old daughter on his way to a comeback concert.
What's the inciting incident that causes him to reunite with his daughter? Why are they thrown together? That's important as it goes some way to suggest the mental state of both characters. As per previous versions of this logline, the fact that he's a country singer is somewhat irrelevant. It doesRead more
What’s the inciting incident that causes him to reunite with his daughter? Why are they thrown together? That’s important as it goes some way to suggest the mental state of both characters.
As per previous versions of this logline, the fact that he’s a country singer is somewhat irrelevant. It does suggest a mood for the film – something akin to Crazy Heart (2009) – but it’s more important that we understand the story as a whole. If you have space then by all means but it doesn’t need to be there to understand the family dynamics at play. That is primarily what this story is about – a dysfunctional family drama… which leads me to my next point.
I don’t see this as a comedy at all. It might have elements of comedy in it but, in this version of the logline at least, I’m struggling to see anything comedic.
The protagonist’s characteristics are that he’s a has-been country singer. This doesn’t help the reader see either his journey through the story (his arc) or how he’s likely to deal with situations. In my mind, these are the two key things that the characteristics should be doing – telling us who this character really is. If he’s a drunk he’s going to drink and/or quit. If he’s depressed he might find happiness. If he’s selfish he might become selfless. The daughter’s characteristics are better – reckless is great – it immediately gives us an idea who she is as a character. As she’s an estranged daughter we also understand why she’s probably reckless. We can empathise with her straight away. We need to do the same with the protagonist.
Is this whole film set on the road? I think the idea of a road movie with these two characters could be great. There just needs to be a strong reason why these two are suddenly thrown together.
Hope this helps.
See lessMichelle a small town girl from Florida moves to Chicago to her education. Struggling under the burden of paying for college. While working at a local bar she befriend a customer Zeus. After talking for a while Zeus offers her a way to make plenty of money. Michelle soon finds herself embroiled with the Russian mafia, lost in world of sex and drugs she must fight to get out.
As I've mentioned in the reviews for your other two loglines - we don't need names, it should be one sentence under 35 words, and I'd strongly recommend checking out the "our formula" tab for help with formatting. This isn't a logline. This is a short synopsis. If it's not important to the story itRead more
As I’ve mentioned in the reviews for your other two loglines – we don’t need names, it should be one sentence under 35 words, and I’d strongly recommend checking out the “our formula” tab for help with formatting.
This isn’t a logline. This is a short synopsis. If it’s not important to the story it doesn’t need to be in the logline. She moves from Florida to Chicago… great… but this holds no bearing on the story. Take it out. She’s from a small town… arguably could go some way to describe her naivety… but ultimately it’s fairly irrelevant… take it out (but consider keeping ‘Naive’ as a characteristic). “Struggling under the burden of paying for college” – can’t you just say she’s a “penniless student”?
Zeus has only offered the means of making money to her… she still needs to accept. How much information is she given? Is she told that she can make a quick buck if she gets embroiled with the Russian mafia, lost in a world of sex and drugs? Probably not. So how does Zeus actually entice her in? A webcam show? Dealing a little weed on the side? What actually happens that leads to the world of sex and drugs? This is the inciting incident so it’s very important!
Naive –> Experienced is her character arc, the inciting incident is whatever starts her down this path, and the goal is to get out again in one piece… that’s plenty to craft a great logline.
Hope this helps.
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