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After a suffering severe head trauma Kacey is in the hospital trying piece together her memory. Jen a beautiful therapist helps with her recovery. A startling revelation forces Kacey to make a choice, will she go back to her old life or will she stay?
Names are not required in a logline. It's far better to use the limited word count to add characteristics to the characters as this will give the reader much more information about who they are and how they will act. That's key to understanding the story. It should ideally be one sentence of no moreRead more
Names are not required in a logline. It’s far better to use the limited word count to add characteristics to the characters as this will give the reader much more information about who they are and how they will act. That’s key to understanding the story.
It should ideally be one sentence of no more than 35 words. This can easily be trimmed down to fit. As per your previous logline – check out the formula page for tips on formatting.
I said in a review of your previous logline that film is a visual medium so you need to think visually. A character making a choice is not visual as the action happens inside the character’s head. Plus, without showing the character’s old life compared to the new, the audience will have nothing to base their opinion on and they need to be behind they protagonist in their decision. In a similar vein, don’t hide key components that make your story unique. Tell us what the startling revelation is. Without telling us this in the logline, why will we read the script when we don’t really know what the story is?
Inciting incident – there are few bits here that could arguably be the inciting incident. The head trauma (and subsequent memory loss), the introduction of Jen, or the revelation. Without fully understanding what the story is about, it’s tough to know which is the most important thing. You’d think it’d be the memory loss but, based on the rest of the logline, I have doubts – the inciting incident and the goal are linked closely together. If the I.I. is memory loss, the goal is getting her memory back – it’s about correcting a balance in the protagonist’s life. With this in mind, the memory loss is merely a plot device and could have potentially happened before the opening credits.
I have a vague idea where I think this story is going, but I’m making assumptions and that’s the one thing you don’t want a reader to do. If they make the wrong assumption, and based on their wrong assumption they choose not to read your script and develop it into a film… that’d suck! Make sure we know exactly what is going on so this doesn’t happen!
Hope this helps.
See lessLucy a black twenty something year old living with her Aunt in Maryland, disobeys her Mother and moves to Washington for her childhood best friend?s wedding. There she meets Jimmy a 26 year old, recently divorced army veteran who changes her world view. Together they struggle to themselves and the party
This is way more information than is required in a logline. You only need to hit the key points to get the story across. You're looking for under 35 words ideally. Check out the "our formula" page for help on how to structure a logline. You need to think visually. Film is a visual medium so you needRead more
This is way more information than is required in a logline. You only need to hit the key points to get the story across. You’re looking for under 35 words ideally. Check out the “our formula” page for help on how to structure a logline.
You need to think visually. Film is a visual medium so you need to show the audience what’s going on. “who changes her world view”… how does this work visually? What does it look like on screen?
“Together they struggle to themselves and the party”… this line feels unfinished as it makes no sense.
Inciting incident – what is it? You have three currently. Disobeying her mother, moving to Washington, and meeting Jimmy. Which is the one that upsets the balance in her life that she’ll then spend the rest of the film trying to restore?
Goal – She has no goal currently. What is she trying to achieve? What does she want?
You’ve given us a lot of detail that we don’t need and very little of what we do to understand the story.
See lessA guilt-ridden priest with a dark secret finds himself held hostage in a Catholic confessional by a sinister, unseen terrorist wearing a suicide vest strapped with explosives.
Check out the formula tab to help with formatting. So this priest is guilt-ridden with a dark secret. Firstly, don't be shy about what the secret is. Chances are that's the hook that'll determine if people want to read on or not. Secondly, if it's even remotely close to any of the dark secrets thatRead more
Check out the formula tab to help with formatting.
So this priest is guilt-ridden with a dark secret. Firstly, don’t be shy about what the secret is. Chances are that’s the hook that’ll determine if people want to read on or not. Secondly, if it’s even remotely close to any of the dark secrets that some other catholic priests have, how is the audience going to root for him to survive? Even if he ends up confessing everything… is the audience going to care whether he gets blown up or not? ?You’re pitting a terrorist against a guilty priest. Nobody is going to win… especially not the audience.
Is this a short or a feature length? I’m not sure there’s enough substance here to sustain 90min+
Obviously my comments are solely based on this logline and may change if you clue is in to this big secret. I could be barking up the wrong tree but if the priest is a pedophile and the terrorist is actually someone who he abused as a child then I think spelling that out would actually make for a more interesting logline. If this is the case, I’d DEFINITELY switch the protagonist to the guy with the explosives. Much more interesting and relatable seeing it from that perspective. As I say though… I’m speculating.
Don’t be vague with a logline… the reader needs to understand exactly what is happening in the story without having to make assumptions. Don’t hide what potentially makes your story unique.
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