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When abducted because of his secret, a clumsy teenager with acidic semen must save himself and a porn actress from the set and crew of a deranged snuff film director.
Sounds intriguing. What's the arc for the protagonist? If the fact that he's got acidic semen is the secret... how does the snuff film director know about it? I would maybe consider just trimming it down as I'm not sure you need to say "set and crew". I could be swayed but, to me, "save himself andRead more
Sounds intriguing. What’s the arc for the protagonist? If the fact that he’s got acidic semen is the secret… how does the snuff film director know about it?
I would maybe consider just trimming it down as I’m not sure you need to say “set and crew”. I could be swayed but, to me, “save himself and a porn actress from a deranged snuff film director” works just as well.
Is this a short or a feature length? I’m not sure that, comedically or plot-wise, there’s enough to sustain 90mins+. I can’t help but think that once the first “acidic cum” joke is spent what else is there?
I look forward to what comes next…
See lessREVISED: When her beloved grandma passes away, an estranged young woman must find a way of fulfilling her grandma?s last wish while struggling to reconnect with her dysfunctional family at the funeral.
Check out the formula tab for formatting suggestions.If she's an estranged family member surely it's really obvious she'll have a lot of catching up to do...Why does it matter that the deceased is an unpopular member of the family? To me, that suggests that not everyone in the family would actuallyRead more
Check out the formula tab for formatting suggestions.
If she’s an estranged family member surely it’s really obvious she’ll have a lot of catching up to do…
Why does it matter that the deceased is an unpopular member of the family? To me, that suggests that not everyone in the family would actually turn up. If it was a popular member it would easily explain why her whole family is there and also goes some way to explain why she herself decided to go (the deceased was her favourite uncle or beloved grandma).
When her beloved grandma passes away, an estranged young woman struggles to reconnect with her family at the funeral.
Is this a short? Or a feature? If it’s a feature I’d worry that there wasn’t enough to fill 90-120mins. As a short though it could work really well.
See lessIn her journey for truth, Billie Malone rebuffs the family trait of entitlement and privilege by getting a job at the very same media company that sees the family name above the door: entitled she is not.
I'm afraid I'm going to have to agree with the others. I'm really unsure what the story is about - she's trying to find herself - that's the goal - so she joins her family business... instead of breaking free from the bubble. Unless she's employed secretly, as Richiev suggested, she is always goingRead more
I’m afraid I’m going to have to agree with the others. I’m really unsure what the story is about – she’s trying to find herself – that’s the goal – so she joins her family business… instead of breaking free from the bubble. Unless she’s employed secretly, as Richiev suggested, she is always going to be a Malone. Even if she’s employed secretly how is this going to help her find herself?
You said “sees the family name above the door”. The family name is Malone. The company name is Eclipse. The company name should be Malone Media. Or am I missing something?
You don’t need to include names in the logline. It takes up valuable real estate and adds nothing.
As a goal “truth” is vague at best. I’m ignoring your additional comments and focussing solely on the logline. If she’s searching for herself say that in the logline. ‘Truth’ needs context to be an appropriate goal but even then there’s possibly a better alternative that gives the reader a much clearer idea what her purpose is. A detective can search for the truth amidst the evidence… but he could just search for the killer.
In my experience, when a character deliberately sets out to find themselves they don’t until they get back to where they started. A lot of characters find themselves as a by-product of doing something else. How is she going to find herself in this setting? How will it work visually? Film is a visual medium and the logline should explain what’s going to happen in a visual way.
What’s the inciting incident that sets this story in motion? This is usually something that upsets the balance in the protagonist’s life and their goal is to correct the balance. For example: Billie could be cut off financially by her parents as they want to end the family trait of entitlement and privilege.
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