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When a young man discovers a magic sword that gives him the power to see the curse that he has due to his sins and that will guide him to the lost city where he will be healed, he will have to deal with the supreme leader of his former city as well as the guilt of past actions.
This is really hard to follow I'm afraid. Fantasy is always difficult because there is always an amount of expositional stuff that is needed. In this case though, I feel like it could be cleaned up a little too. Pet peeve: "young man" - your protagonist deserves better! Imagine if someone close to yRead more
This is really hard to follow I’m afraid. Fantasy is always difficult because there is always an amount of expositional stuff that is needed. In this case though, I feel like it could be cleaned up a little too.
Pet peeve: “young man” – your protagonist deserves better! Imagine if someone close to you was asked to describe you in two words, and all they had to say was “young man” or “young woman”… surely you deserve a little more consideration. Well, so does your hero.
So this “young man” finds a magic sword that just happens to give him the power to see his curse AND show him the way to a lost city where he’ll be healed? The only thing standing in his way is the guy who ran the town that he’s left but I don’t know why. I feel like there needs to be more conflict. It’s too easy! We need to know why the Supreme Leader is after this guy. “Deal with” is incredibly vague too. Loglines thrive on specificity, so tell us, specifically, what the conflict is and why.
“deal with the guilt of past actions” – I’d probably cut this to be honest. You could add “repentant” as his characteristic and that would probably do the trick. What are his past sins though?
My thoughts are that the plot should actually start with the quest for the magic sword that the Supreme Leader is also after. Then there’s immediate conflict from the start and more plot to sustain the 90mins+ runtime. I would consider saying “guide him on a perilous journey” or something to at least suggest there are other threats in this fantasy world.
Thematically and from a plot perspective, why a sword? It’s not stated that any fighting is taking place so I’m wondering why a weapon.
Logline wise, at 59 words it’s too long, even for a Fantasy. I would try and focus on the conflict and the structure of your plot. What needs to happen, when, and who or what is standing in their way (and why in the case of the Supreme Leader). Once you feel you have the bare elements, try framing the logline around them. Focus on the external too. Leave stuff like “as well as the guilt of his past actions” on the cutting room floor because, in terms of what’s happening on screen, it’s meaningless as it’s happening inside the character’s head.
I realise I’ve waffled a bit here so I hope this helps.
See lessA social media influencer-environmentalist is forced to work with a disreputable concrete manufacturer, to bolster its “green” credibility, after she loses all her money in a card game to the manufacturer’s owner.
And then what happens? What's her goal? What sustains the 90min+ runtime? This is kinda just the inciting incident. Since this is a drama, I feel like her losing ALL her money in a card game is somewhat "because the plot demands it". If it were a comedy, you might (might) get away with it. This is jRead more
And then what happens? What’s her goal? What sustains the 90min+ runtime? This is kinda just the inciting incident.
Since this is a drama, I feel like her losing ALL her money in a card game is somewhat “because the plot demands it”. If it were a comedy, you might (might) get away with it. This is just my opinion though.
I think a stronger protagonist would be one who wasn’t forced into something.
See lessThree friends come together, who once had decided not to meet again. They get together to find their fourth friend.
This isn't really a logline, it's a situation. That being said, I think it's an interesting premise. Three friends, who were never planning on meeting again, coming together to find their missing friend. You need to be specific though. Is their 4th friend missing? Is that the inciting incident? We nRead more
This isn’t really a logline, it’s a situation.
That being said, I think it’s an interesting premise. Three friends, who were never planning on meeting again, coming together to find their missing friend. You need to be specific though. Is their 4th friend missing? Is that the inciting incident? We need to follow one of these three as the protagonist so write it from their perspective.
We also need to understand why this is so difficult. What obstacles are standing in their way? Who’s trying to stop them? We need an antagonist, and we need stakes. What will happen if they don’t find him? Is he in danger?
Surely the title is “And then they were three” since they’ve lost one?
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