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An insecure wheelchair-bound college girl spends the weekend at a cottage with friends where they are attacked by zombies. They don’t know why until she discovers that the zombies were all murder victims of her friends – and she was next.
You say "they don't know why" when all the friends probably have a fair idea. I would tell the logline from her perspective only. She's the protagonist. "She doesn't know why". That being said, this is all kinda irrelevant info anyway. There's a lot of unnecessary stuff in this and it could easily bRead more
You say “they don’t know why” when all the friends probably have a fair idea. I would tell the logline from her perspective only. She’s the protagonist. “She doesn’t know why”. That being said, this is all kinda irrelevant info anyway. There’s a lot of unnecessary stuff in this and it could easily be condensed into a single sentence.
This whole logline needs to be framed with a MPR (mid-point reversal). I think the interesting thing about this story is the zombies are almost saving her from her fate. I would play this up – I think it’s your hook!
Whichever way you rewrite this, the protagonist has no goal. You’ve given us the inciting incident (attacked by zombies) and then the MPR (the discovery the zombies are all her friend’s murder victims) but in neither situation have you told us what our hero is planning to do about this.
Hope this helps.
See lessOn a post-apocalyptic Earth with one side continually facing the sun, a gritty outsider and the metaphysical representation of his soul are forced into facing a new tyrannical regime that threatens the last remains of humanity.
Ok... so what's he gonna do about it? What's his goal? He's currently a passive protagonist - big no-no! The hero should never be forced to do anything. He should do it because that's his choice. Who's forcing him? Why this guy? Why does he HAVE to be the hero? Why does this story have to be set inRead more
Ok… so what’s he gonna do about it? What’s his goal? He’s currently a passive protagonist – big no-no! The hero should never be forced to do anything. He should do it because that’s his choice. Who’s forcing him? Why this guy? Why does he HAVE to be the hero?
Why does this story have to be set in a post-apocalyptic Earth with one side facing the sun? All the elements in a logline should have some cohesion otherwise it tends to feel a bit unclear. With this in mind, I don’t understand what the purpose is of our MC travelling with a metaphysical representation of his soul. What form does it take? What do we see on screen?
I can’t help but think, if a meteor crashed into Earth with enough force to stop its rotation (it spins at 1100 mph… that’s pretty nuts!) then surely all life on earth would be obliterated in an instant.
I think the world building stuff at present is simply a situation that holds no bearing on the plot. It sounds cool (feasibility irrelevant) but in my head, this would set up a light dwellers vs dark dwellers conflict. The world MUST influence the plot. If you can take it out of this environment and put it in a completely different one – still post-apocalyptic – then it needs more thinking. It may be that there is a connection and it’s simply not in the logline. My advice would be to put it in so the reader understands why this story must be told in this world.
Hope this helps.
See lessA down-on-his-luck videographer breaks his estranged mother out of prison to steal the grand prize from a filthy rich YouTuber – a million-dollar Bitcoin.
There's definitely something here but I think the motivation for the bitcoin needs to be apparent to the reader. Currently, I feel like the only reason he's going after it is because he's down on his luck. I also think you need to clarify why he MUST break his mum out of prison - she has to be a masRead more
There’s definitely something here but I think the motivation for the bitcoin needs to be apparent to the reader. Currently, I feel like the only reason he’s going after it is because he’s down on his luck. I also think you need to clarify why he MUST break his mum out of prison – she has to be a master criminal/hacker. It’s a comedy so some absurdity in the situation will be expected but we have to believe they are remotely capable of this.
The issue I have with a bitcoin being the prize… it’s a digital currency. So are we simply going to watch a guy and his master hacker mum sitting at a computer for 90mins? How do you even steal a bitcoin?
Why videographer? How does this play in? Doesn’t necessarily have to be apparent in the logline, but I think a logline works better when there’s a continuous and obvious connection between the words chosen.
Why is nobody else trying to steal this bitcoin?
If they’re bungling idiots, how have they got a chance of succeeding? We watch Home Alone and we know from the start, the 8 year old is gonna win. If these guys are the protagonists, we have to want them succeed – so we have to believe they can.
Very interested to see where this goes though.
Hope this helps.
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