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After falling in love with twin sisters, an irresolute Iranian student has to decide with whom he wants to spend his life with before getting forcibly married to an unkown woman by his family.
Making a decision is not an objective visual goal. It happens in the character's head. How is this represented on screen? "After falling in love with twin sisters" - an inciting incident should be one moment, one scene - a shark eats a tourist/he discovers a lost alien in his bike shed etc. After heRead more
Making a decision is not an objective visual goal. It happens in the character’s head. How is this represented on screen?
“After falling in love with twin sisters” – an inciting incident should be one moment, one scene – a shark eats a tourist/he discovers a lost alien in his bike shed etc. After he fell in love with the first, he suddenly falls in love with the second too? I worry that he’s coming across as someone who doesn’t really know what he wants and it’s difficult to get behind a protagonist who doesn’t have a clear objective.
I think the whole arranged marriage element is interesting. However, I’m conscious that it’s been done before – Brick Lane, The Big Sick, Arthur – so what’s different here? I agree wholeheartedly with yqwertz with this feeling like a male-fantasy, with two dimensional female characters.
Conflict wise, I agree there is some conflict to be found AFTER he’s made his decision. But, before this point, all the conflict is inside his head. What’s happening on screen?
Hope this helps.
See lessIt’s 2151 and a bio scientist finds herself in the middle of the largest coverup in history. She begins a race against time to expose her former CEO?s deceit or else mankind changes forever.
As savinh0 pointed out, your logline is a little vague. It feels like all the most interesting bits you've either accidentally or deliberately omitted - otherwise known as burying the hook! Loglines thrive on specificity, so, specifically, what is the coverup? What is the CEO's deceit? How will mankRead more
As savinh0 pointed out, your logline is a little vague. It feels like all the most interesting bits you’ve either accidentally or deliberately omitted – otherwise known as burying the hook! Loglines thrive on specificity, so, specifically, what is the coverup? What is the CEO’s deceit? How will mankind change forever?
Ideally a logline should be phrased as a single sentence with limited to no commas. They break up the flow for the reader and I think you could easily find a way to amend this to work without a fullstop.
What is actually stopping your protagonist exposing her former boss? As a goal, it’s fine, but what’s standing in her way? Where does the actual conflict come from?
I agree with savinh0’s point about the future setting. As it currently stands, if you remove the setting, the plot remains the same. So what, specifically, is in this future that means this story can’t be told at any other point in time? Either remove, or expand.
Currently she’s just a bio-scientist… but who is she? She is at the core of this entire story so give us something more. What’s her arc? Her character flaw? Is she at the peak of her career, internationally renowned? Or just a lackey?
There’s definitely something here, but without that specificity and character, I’m struggling to see what it is. Keep going!
Hope this helps.
See lessLosing his eyesight gradually due to a rare disease, an introverted painter hurries to finish his last painting to participate in an important exhibition going trough an existential crisis.
How does an exhibition go through an existential crisis? Or is the painter doing that? What's stopping him from finishing the painting? I get it's got a deadline and he's losing his sight but other than that... just another day at the office for him, right? Other than the obvious, why does he have tRead more
How does an exhibition go through an existential crisis? Or is the painter doing that?
What’s stopping him from finishing the painting? I get it’s got a deadline and he’s losing his sight but other than that… just another day at the office for him, right?
Other than the obvious, why does he have to stop painting once he loses his sight? If this is a film about overcoming adversity, a blind painter is a pretty good way to go.
I think, as a logline, it’s a little bland. To me, the hook of the story is a painter going blind (or becomes blind). As it stands, he seems to be just trying to finish off stuff before that happens and there’s very little standing in his way. So there’s much less conflict. What happens if he doesn’t finish this piece? What’s at stake?
As far as the protagonist goes, he’s an introverted painter. How is what happens to him going to help him overcome his flaw? I don’t see anything here that suggests he will change his ways and arc. If anything, he’ll become more introverted once he loses his sight. What did you have in mind for his internal journey?
Hope this helps.
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