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When a bad boy movie star agrees to a blind date, he ends up with his biggest fan – a struggling single mom, whom he falls for.
So what does he do next? At what point does he fall for the mom? End of Act I? Or midpoint? At the moment, for me, it feels as though the inciting incident is when he falls for her so that leads me to ask what he does next. I almost feel like, for the most amount of conflict, she's not a super fan aRead more
So what does he do next? At what point does he fall for the mom? End of Act I? Or midpoint? At the moment, for me, it feels as though the inciting incident is when he falls for her so that leads me to ask what he does next.
I almost feel like, for the most amount of conflict, she’s not a super fan at all, but barely knows who he is. Maybe her daughter’s a big fan and she entered her mom into the competition. I’m thinking he probably has an ego and to meet someone who doesn’t care about that at all would provide more conflict than if she was a fan. If was all about the superstar lifestyle and that didn’t even register to her because she’s a single mom, I think he’s got much much further to go.
I’m also wondering who the protagonist is. I kinda feel like she’s more interesting if you went with the idea above although it could even be a dual protagonist story. I do like the underlying idea though – like a reverse Notting Hill.
Looking forward to seeing where this goes.
See lessAfter losing the love of his life in the streets of India, a homeless teenager participates in the TV show? Who wants to be a millionaire to find her again. Film: Slumdog Millionaire (2008) (30 words)
I think you need to make it clear why going on the tv show will help find her again. Your second version hints at how his experiences relate but there's a bit of disconnect in my opinion. A homeless teenager's life in the Mumbai slums help him through the rounds of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, butRead more
I think you need to make it clear why going on the tv show will help find her again. Your second version hints at how his experiences relate but there’s a bit of disconnect in my opinion.
A homeless teenager’s life in the Mumbai slums help him through the rounds of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all he wants is TV exposure to help him find the girl he loves. ?(35 words)
It’s understanding why he wants to go on the show that’s crucial. It’s a tricky one though as it’s told through flashbacks and you don’t discover his goal until much later (I could be wrong on this, it’s been a while since I’ve watched it).
Thoughts on mine are welcome.
See lessA Lieutenant in a drug gang, misreads a situation killing his boss. This sparks an internal war eventually leading to the destruction of his gang, his death and the loss of their terroritary.
You're telling us the main character gets killed, his gang gets destroyed, and they lose their territory. Surely, that's giving away the ending? I don't need to read the script because I know what happens. I don't think you can say he kills his boss when actually there is a bigger boss who can justRead more
You’re telling us the main character gets killed, his gang gets destroyed, and they lose their territory. Surely, that’s giving away the ending? I don’t need to read the script because I know what happens.
I don’t think you can say he kills his boss when actually there is a bigger boss who can just take over. He doesn’t misread a situation either, based on your comments. He is ordered to do it by the big boss. Yeah, there may be some miscommunication but as far as the protagonist goes, that was his orders. It seems there is a character who is essential to the logline and is simply not there as it currently stands. ?I think it would be better if the MC kills the boss on the big boss’s orders and has to maintain order until the big boss comes to sort them out. Otherwise, the big inciting incident is almost accidental, and I think that’s a pretty weak inciting incident for this kinda story. It makes the MC seem weak.
You’ve said the protagonist is scheduled to meet with the big boss. Why not tell us that in the logline? That’s the ticking clock and gives us a timeline so we know the hero has to maintain order for 24 hours. You’re not telling us the hero is getting rescued in 24 hours.. this is crucial otherwise what’s the point? You’ve said in a comment, his goal is to survive but without the ticking clock, we have no idea how long for. This sounds like a crime/action/thriller to me. A thriller NEEDS a ticking clock.
What’s the big boss actually going to do though? There’s chaos and anarchy within his ranks… how’s one guy, however powerful, going to sort that out? This is a secondary point but if the result of the boss’s killing is too catastrophic then the audience won’t believe that one man will sort it out. At that point, chances are they’ll just stop caring. This relates to the point above about the ticking clock. We HAVE to believe the protagonist will make it out of this in one piece. That everything he’s doing is for a reason.
What’s the hero’s character flaw? What makes him interesting?
I’m guessing this is the logline for marketing the project? As it is, I’m not really hooked into it. That’s mostly because you’ve given away the ending. I think it could be stronger. Richiev’s is more interesting but, as he said, lacks a main character. Personally, I avoid full stops in a logline. As mrliteral constantly says on here, and I think he’s got a good point, even a comma breaks up the flow of a logline. To me, a full stop just kills it dead. Even if you did leave it almost exactly as is, you could very easily change it to “kills his boss sparking an internal war…”
I think saying “the cocaine version of Game of Thrones” isn’t coming through for me. Both are about chaos, I’ll admit, but yours looks at how chaos affects one person specifically. It’d be like Game of Thrones being exclusively told from Cersei’s POV. Richiev’s version is more GOT.
I think my main point is don’t give away the ending. I stopped caring after that.
Hope this helps.
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