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Once an insecure sexy convict starts dating a professional boxer, that gives her the world and change her for the better she never expected. A childhood friend tracks her down in order to confess love for her, and she is left with a torn decision choosing between a long time friend and the man of her dreams. Les Be Honest Don’t know if better, I’ll keep trying. However, seems a bit generic aye? not interesting enough i think.
I would say never (NEVER) use the word "sexy" in a logline. Add the title and your thoughts in a comment, rather than within the main post. Nitpicky but makes the logline harder to digest in my opinion. Check out the Formula page to help with formatting. Loglines should, ideally, be under 35 words aRead more
I would say never (NEVER) use the word “sexy” in a logline.
Add the title and your thoughts in a comment, rather than within the main post. Nitpicky but makes the logline harder to digest in my opinion.
Check out the Formula page to help with formatting.
Loglines should, ideally, be under 35 words and phrased as a single sentence. At 57 words this is too long and two sentences. There are exceptions and these are merely guidelines but I don’t think it would be difficult to trim this down.
Protagonist//
Why does it matter that she was once insecure? Again, “sexy” made me wince! A lot! In this day and age, reducing your lead character to their appearance when it has no bearing on the plot is inadvisable. I’m assuming she’s out of prison now? The phrasing is ambiguous… was she once insecure? Or was she once a convict? Either way…. what bearing does the fact she’s a convict have on the plot? It doesn’t change anything. I would recommend giving us information that tells us who she is in relation to the story.
Objective goal//
To choose between the guy of her dreams or a friend who, as it currently stands, she has no romantic feelings for… where’s the conflict? Is she really going to leave the guy of her dreams for some childhood friend who has simply told her she loves her…? If this was someone she was in love with when she was younger, then perhaps. But that’s not the situation currently. Also, making a decision is not an objective goal. It’s happening inside her head. The results of which we see on screen, but the conflict is all internal. Think visually.
Stakes//
What does she lose if she doesn’t make this decision? She’s got the man of her dreams already. She’s set.
Genre//
It’s not really an Adventure film. Drama/romance/comedy any or all of these would make sense, but where’s the adventure? She doesn’t even leave the location seemingly.
Title//
Is the title meant to be “Les” like “Lesbian”? If so, you don’t state the gender of the friend in the logline so it’s only by reading the title that we understand that the protagonist is possibly bi-sexual. That’s still assuming that she has feelings for this friend too… otherwise where’s the story. If it is “Les” like “Lesbian”, it makes me cringe a little I’m afraid. It’s just my opinion, but I think there are better alternatives.
Other points//
Why does it matter that her boyfriend is a professional boxer? It holds no bearing on the plot.
We need to understand the conflict more. Why is this decision so hard?
What is the story you’re actually trying to tell? Is it about a woman coming to terms with her sexuality? The insecurity resurfacing because she’s actually got everything she wanted and she doesn’t know how to deal with it?
Sorry if this all sounds negative. I think there’s a story here – an interesting one about the changing social perceptions of sexuality perhaps? Stick with it.
See lessAfter rescuing a baby found outside of her family’s cabin,? an apathetic teen must shelter him from the approaching blizzard and fend off relentless attacks from his monstrous, “Parent,” until the storm passes.
I think this is really interesting logline.Usually, ambiguity is not advised. In this case, however, the language used, and the speech marks spark so much interest that I want to read more. Really interesting approach.I do have a couple of questions though:How do we know this monstrous "parent" is tRead more
I think this is really interesting logline.
Usually, ambiguity is not advised. In this case, however, the language used, and the speech marks spark so much interest that I want to read more. Really interesting approach.
I do have a couple of questions though:
How do we know this monstrous “parent” is the baby’s parent? If it’s immediately obvious, then I worry that the teen is then stopping a parent from having its child back… not the best from an empathy side. However, if the baby and the parent are visually different enough (caterpillar and butterfly for example), then I wonder if “parent” should be in the logline since that is almost the reveal. The monster simply wanted their child back.
Sparks an interesting discussion about whether the logline should be written from the viewpoint of the protagonist and only what they see, or if it should be from an outsider’s perspective. The audience is aware the monster is the parent but the protagonist is not.
Personally, I think the logline is stronger for this approach but I would maybe tweak to make sure the protagonist is unaware of this fact.
I’ve made assumptions about your idea based on this logline – the baby isn’t a human baby , the monstrous “parent” is a monster. I’d be intrigued to see if others make these same assumptions and also to hear if these assumptions are correct.
A few minor things:
Once the storm passes, it doesn’t resolve the issue of the baby and the monster. The teen wouldn’t just put the baby back after the storm. Does the first attack happen at the Act I climax? Or is that perhaps the discovery that the baby isn’t a baby? Maybe consider an MPR.
Apathetic – As soon as the teen takes the baby inside, where does she go (arc-wise)?
I’d maybe say, rather than “fend off”, “protect from”. I think it’s stronger.
Very intrigued to see where this goes. I agree with Richiev, tweaks not an overhaul.
Hope this helps.
See lessA husband begins an affair with his dream woman using lucid dreaming technology, but when this fantasy woman begins stalking his family in real life, he must protect them from a woman who shouldn?t exist.
I like this idea. The logline is definitely getting there. The SciFi elements make it harder because there's a bit of expositional stuff to get across. At what point does the fantasy woman start stalking the family? Since it's a horror, I'm guessing probably Act I climax? But could be midpoint? ThatRead more
I like this idea. The logline is definitely getting there. The SciFi elements make it harder because there’s a bit of expositional stuff to get across.
At what point does the fantasy woman start stalking the family? Since it’s a horror, I’m guessing probably Act I climax? But could be midpoint? That could have an impact on how the logline works.
If it’s the Act I climax, then the inciting incident is the moment his family get their first threat. If it’s the midpoint, then the protagonist needs another goal to get him through Act II.I (assuming a 3 act structure) until the first threat.
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