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A dominatrix and control freak of a public defender spends her off time stripping to support her 3 kids but when her extra curricular activities put her at risk of getting disbarred, shes no longer sure if she?s flying or falling with style
A logline is a concise summary of the plot up to at least the midpoint but possibly the end of Act II. You've given us a very interesting situation but you need to give us a goal. When she's at risk of being disbarred, what is she going to do about it? Scrap the "flying or falling with style bit" -Read more
A logline is a concise summary of the plot up to at least the midpoint but possibly the end of Act II.
You’ve given us a very interesting situation but you need to give us a goal. When she’s at risk of being disbarred, what is she going to do about it?
Scrap the “flying or falling with style bit” – it means nothing in a logline as it doesn’t tell me anything about the plot. Merely that she’s in a predicament and she doesn’t know what to do. Think of it this way: If I asked you to imagine someone who was “no longer sure if she was flying or falling with style” would you be interested in what you saw? Or would you just be picturing a woman thinking?
The inciting incident here is being discovered that she strips for extra cash. This, coupled with the fact she’s an attorney is great. Stick with it! As it stands though, this is just the inciting incident:
“When a well-respected judge discovers she’s a part-time stripper putting her career at risk, a struggling public defender and mother must…”
This isn’t great, but it gives us a primary antagonist – a physical figure who can represent the antagonistic views ?of society with her choices – and sets her up so we know who she is, why she does it, and what she stands to lose.
We don’t need to know it’s 3 kids – she’s a mother so that’ll do. The dominatrix and control freak bit… it’s interesting but, personally, I would either go with “dominatrix” or “stripper”. I think dominatrix is potentially more interesting and less cliche.
Definitely an interesting situation so keep going with this one.
See lessAfter his teenage son is kidnapped by gang members, a police officer decides to steal cars.
Why would a gang want to kidnap a boy with leukaemia? Why will doing a car robbery rescue his son? Why does he need to team up with all of these people? It doesn't take 5 people to rob one car. Why does he have to be a cyborg hunter when nothing else about the plot has anything to do with cyborgs? TRead more
Why would a gang want to kidnap a boy with leukaemia?
Why will doing a car robbery rescue his son?
Why does he need to team up with all of these people? It doesn’t take 5 people to rob one car.
Why does he have to be a cyborg hunter when nothing else about the plot has anything to do with cyborgs?
These are questions that should be answered within the logline.
See lessAfter a getting a call from a mysterious stranger, a college student must perform dangerous tasks that would allow him to save his mother who has cancer.
So what does he do about it? He needs a goal. Why do his dreams turn upside down when his mother dies? I have nothing for context but I don't understand why it would make any difference. "College student" - As with all of your loglines, give us something more than just "college student" or "young maRead more
So what does he do about it? He needs a goal.
Why do his dreams turn upside down when his mother dies? I have nothing for context but I don’t understand why it would make any difference.
“College student” – As with all of your loglines, give us something more than just “college student” or “young man” or “young couple” etc. Think of it this way: if you had to describe yourself in 2/3 words so that somebody who’s never met you has some understanding about who you really are, what 2/3 words would you use? I can guarantee that, whether you are a college student or not, you would object to simply being called a “college student” and that alone. Aren’t you more than that?