1. Posted: January 14, 2020In:

    A married man begins dating a woman via lucid dream technology, but things get strange when she starts appearing when he?s awake.

    Mike Pedley Singularity

    Sounds interesting. I wonder at what point he first notices her in his real life. Potentially, this is just the inciting incident as, as it currently stands, he has no goal yet. What is he going to do about this? Your edit certainly clarifies a question I had on first reading. Great title too! KeepRead more

    Sounds interesting.

    I wonder at what point he first notices her in his real life. Potentially, this is just the inciting incident as, as it currently stands, he has no goal yet. What is he going to do about this?

    Your edit certainly clarifies a question I had on first reading.

    Great title too!

    Keep going with this.

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  2. Posted: January 14, 2020In:

    After being beating up because of his lack of social skills, a college student with Asperger’s syndrome decides to shoot his classmates and professor.

    Mike Pedley Singularity

    By doing what? Give us more specifics. The Act I climax is probably the point he decides to get his revenge and begins to put his plan into motion. In this case there is still the whole of Act II that the reader needs to have some idea what's happening. Act II takes up the bulk of the plot so tell uRead more

    By doing what? Give us more specifics. The Act I climax is probably the point he decides to get his revenge and begins to put his plan into motion. In this case there is still the whole of Act II that the reader needs to have some idea what’s happening. Act II takes up the bulk of the plot so tell us specifically what this college student is going to do.

    “College student” as a protagonist is very vague and a problem that’s been flagged up in other loglines. Give us more information about him. Tell us something interesting that relates to the story in some way.

    What happens if he doesn’t get revenge?

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  3. Posted: January 10, 2020In:

    During a near-future nuclear war, when an A-bomb forces her into a public bunker, an optimistic head-nurse and mother takes charge of the eclectic group of strangers to ensure they survive the mandatory month-long confinement

    Mike Pedley Singularity

    Thanks for the comments, Trix. Here's my thoughts/responses to your comments. I wanted to have it set in a dystopian near-future so that whilst technology has moved forwards, mankind seems to have taken a ?step backwards. I get that A-bomb tells us it's nuclear war but I wanted to make it clear thisRead more

    Thanks for the comments, Trix. Here’s my thoughts/responses to your comments.

    • I wanted to have it set in a dystopian near-future so that whilst technology has moved forwards, mankind seems to have taken a ?step backwards. I get that A-bomb tells us it’s nuclear war but I wanted to make it clear this is common-place. Things are in place to deal with it (like the bunkers) and it’s become a part of life.
    • Based on my (admittedly minimal) research, after 72 hours you could potentially leave the shelter but recommendations are for a 2 week stay in the bunker. I feel like 2 weeks isn’t long enough so I upped it and will have an explanation why. At the midpoint, another A-bomb drops nearby so they are forced to stay in for even longer. As for how ‘near’, I’m thinking within the next 50 years or so.
    • Head nurse, chief nurse – matron might work better…? I wanted her to be someone whom everyone looked up to instantly. She’s medically trained and, not only that, she’s good enough to be a leader. So it’s natural for her to a) be the person whom people turn to for guidance, especially if people are injured going into the shelter (this is the case and will set her up with ordering people about to save lives), and b) be used to taking charge in high-stress situations so proactively just does it. I wanted this to be the answer to the ever-painful question of “why is this person the protagonist?”.
    • You’re absolutely right here. The conflict is minimal within the logline as it stands. The issue I have is that, to me, within the bunker, there’s a snowball effect of mini-disasters – opposing ideals, people wanting to get out, limited resources, another bomb goes off towards the end of their stay, etc, etc – that cumulatively makes the situation about survival. I’m not sure how to phrase that in the logline though – any ideas?

    Great notes and I’d love to see your response to my comments.

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