Have an account? Sign In Now
Lost your password? Please enter your email address. You will receive a link and will create a new password via email.
Please briefly explain why you feel this question should be reported.
Please briefly explain why you feel this answer should be reported.
Please briefly explain why you feel this user should be reported.
When a village boy is given up for sacrifice to avoid a Giant and a Dragon destroying the village, he must find a way to escape before being cooked into dumplings.
Never start a logline with When. Start with the protagonist, then provide the antagonist, conflict, & stakes. Avoid commas. 25-30 words. So what happens to the village when this kid escapes? Is he concerned about that? Why was he chosen? We know nothing about him. Give him a single adjective toRead more
Never start a logline with When. Start with the protagonist, then provide the antagonist, conflict, & stakes. Avoid commas. 25-30 words.
So what happens to the village when this kid escapes? Is he concerned about that? Why was he chosen? We know nothing about him. Give him a single adjective to help define him.
Who makes the dumplings, the giant or the dragon? This sounds like it’s trying to be cute but it doesn’t make sense in context. We need to understand the basis of the story in a single sentence, without having to ask questions merely to comprehend it.
See lessAfter their father was murdered, a gambler and his sister team up to take down a drug lord in their own hands in order for them to pay for their mother’s cancer treatment.
If the drug lord murdered the father there's no mention of it here; it's unrelated to the main focus of the story. You could just remove that part (plus "in their own hands" because what does that even mean) and it would make perfect sense, plus be stronger and more clear. Don't tell us more than weRead more
If the drug lord murdered the father there’s no mention of it here; it’s unrelated to the main focus of the story. You could just remove that part (plus “in their own hands” because what does that even mean) and it would make perfect sense, plus be stronger and more clear.
Don’t tell us more than we need to know, just give us one quick sentence that sums up the protagonist, antagonist, conflict, and stakes. You have all four elements and they are mostly clear, once the extraneous details are excised.
It also means something different to say “take down” vs “steal from” in regards to the drug dealer; dismantling someone else’s business doesn’t magically cover one’s medical bills.
“A gambler and his sister rip off the drug lord who murdered their father in order to pay for their mother’s cancer treatment.”
See lessA high school student becomes an unwitting pawn in a game between two teachers, and she must find a way to outwit them in order for her to get accepted to university.
What game are the teachers playing? How is it related to a student's being accepted elsewhere? How can she outwit others when she's unwitting? You're describing a conflict without actually telling us what the story is about. It has to be clear, simple, and compelling. Do it without commas to punch iRead more
What game are the teachers playing? How is it related to a student’s being accepted elsewhere? How can she outwit others when she’s unwitting?
You’re describing a conflict without actually telling us what the story is about. It has to be clear, simple, and compelling. Do it without commas to punch it up and keep it flowing forward.
See less