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A cyborg hunter must protect a young woman by killing a cyborg before he turns her into one.
"A cyborg hunter must protect a young woman by killing a cyborg before he turns her into one." Totally unclear who's who and what they're doing and why it matters. Does "cyborg hunter" mean a hunter of cyborgs or a hunter who is a cyborg? Who is "he" in this scenario, the first-mentioned cyborg huntRead more
“A cyborg hunter must protect a young woman by killing a cyborg before he turns her into one.”
Totally unclear who’s who and what they’re doing and why it matters.
Does “cyborg hunter” mean a hunter of cyborgs or a hunter who is a cyborg? Who is “he” in this scenario, the first-mentioned cyborg hunter or the cyborg that must be killed? It’s possible to infer from context but the confusing grammar forces a reader to unravel the words rather that it being easily understandable upon first reading.
Who is this young woman? Why MUST she be protected, aside from the obvious notion that she probably doesn’t want to be turned into a cyborg? How exactly does a cyborg turn a human into one of their own? And why?
The basics of protagonist, antagonist, conflict, & stakes are all present — but there’s no compelling reason for any of it. We need better detail on who, what, and why this is happening.
See lessA moving man, unaware of valuable objects in his storage, finds himself chased by mobsters on one side and the US military on the other.
Any main character who "finds himself" in a situation is automatically going to appear passive. It's a phrase I always advise against using -- because if the logline is presented this way, and the script plays out this way, it will not be compelling. As was already asked: what is his goal, and whatRead more
Any main character who “finds himself” in a situation is automatically going to appear passive. It’s a phrase I always advise against using — because if the logline is presented this way, and the script plays out this way, it will not be compelling.
As was already asked: what is his goal, and what are the stakes? Present the story THAT way and it becomes active, intriguing. That’s why so many people use the word “must” in their loglines…this person MUST do this thing or that bad thing will happen. Give us goals and obstacles. Give us the protagonist, antagonist, conflict, and stakes. You kind of have those things but it’s vague and uninteresting. A stuntman turned mover fighting the mob and the military is definitely not uninteresting, so you just need to sculpt the story elements into a more captivating sentence.
“An out-of-work stuntman must evade the military and the mob when a part time gig as a mover unknowingly places alien artifacts and stolen cash in his possession.”
Now that isn’t perfect or anything, but it’s the stuff we need to know to be interested. If we’re wondering exactly how he got these items and when he finds out about it, we’ll read the script. You don’t have to tell us everything, just make us want to read more.
See lessA dangerous serial killer charms his way into a single Mom’s life which brings a talented FBI agent out of retirement to work on the case whilst supernatural Neptune is also awakened to help.
Unclear what's actually happening here...on what case is the retired agent working? The serial killer case? What brings him out of retirement? It can't be the death of this single mom, because apparently she's only being charmed by the killer, not killed...and describing such a person as dangerous iRead more
Unclear what’s actually happening here…on what case is the retired agent working? The serial killer case? What brings him out of retirement? It can’t be the death of this single mom, because apparently she’s only being charmed by the killer, not killed…and describing such a person as dangerous is like calling the sky blue; it’s pretty much understood. He needs a better adjective to make him unique and compelling.
But then…what does “supernatural Neptune” have to do with anything? Are we meant to imagine Poseidon, god of the sea? What’s his involvement? Is the Little Mermaid in trouble? This seems like a totally different movie, and a completely separate concept from the first half of the logline. If there’s a supernatural element, it shouldn’t be mentioned at the end like that, almost as an afterthought; it should be clear and up front. Nothing wrong with an otherwise reality-based plot containing supernatural elements, but they have to feel like part of the story, not another story entirely.
In one sense this is a rather concise delivery of characters and story elements, which is good for a logline — but the ideas presented don’t add up in combination.
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