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Needing to make ends meet, a recovering alcoholic's sobriety is tested when she returns to bartending at her father's tavern.
You don't have to say her sobriety is tested, because you've established she's a recovering alcoholic working at at bar?the conflict is inherent to the situation. Which is good thing, to have that conflict present - you just don't need to overstate it. I find it's better, most of the time, to startRead more
You don’t have to say her sobriety is tested, because you’ve established she’s a recovering alcoholic working at at bar?the conflict is inherent to the situation. Which is good thing, to have that conflict present – you just don’t need to overstate it.
I find it’s better, most of the time, to start with the protagonist, then define the conflict, the stakes, and the antagonist. It usually flows better, whereas starting with an issue and then mentioning a person feels a bit choppy. Perhaps something more like this:
“A recovering alcoholic finds herself unemployed, and returns home to tend bar at her ailing father’s tavern.”
Unemployed = needing to make ends meet, but is shorter and more immediate: we get that she doesn’t have many options. I added “ailing” in response to other comments regarding why she would need to tend bar vs. another type of job, and why for her dad. I don’t know if that fits your story, but it’s one word and explains a lot.
See lessNeeding to make ends meet, a recovering alcoholic's sobriety is tested when she returns to bartending at her father's tavern.
You don't have to say her sobriety is tested, because you've established she's a recovering alcoholic working at at bar?the conflict is inherent to the situation. Which is good thing, to have that conflict present - you just don't need to overstate it. I find it's better, most of the time, to startRead more
You don’t have to say her sobriety is tested, because you’ve established she’s a recovering alcoholic working at at bar?the conflict is inherent to the situation. Which is good thing, to have that conflict present – you just don’t need to overstate it.
I find it’s better, most of the time, to start with the protagonist, then define the conflict, the stakes, and the antagonist. It usually flows better, whereas starting with an issue and then mentioning a person feels a bit choppy. Perhaps something more like this:
“A recovering alcoholic finds herself unemployed, and returns home to tend bar at her ailing father’s tavern.”
Unemployed = needing to make ends meet, but is shorter and more immediate: we get that she doesn’t have many options. I added “ailing” in response to other comments regarding why she would need to tend bar vs. another type of job, and why for her dad. I don’t know if that fits your story, but it’s one word and explains a lot.
See lessJohn always used his clairvoyance as a crutch but when he sees himself killing an unknown woman, he must escape the crosshairs of the all-seeing organization KEN.
Using clairvoyance as a crutch is unclear - how does he actually use it to help himself, and what does this say about his character? That's what needs to come across. Also unclear: seeing himself killing an unknown woman. One can presume he has a vision of himself committing murder, but "sees himselRead more
Using clairvoyance as a crutch is unclear – how does he actually use it to help himself, and what does this say about his character? That’s what needs to come across.
Also unclear: seeing himself killing an unknown woman. One can presume he has a vision of himself committing murder, but “sees himself” is such a vague phrase that it makes one stop to think about what it means, and a logline shouldn’t make anyone stop and think what it means – it should be clear. Boom, here’s the story. As for the woman, to whom is she unknown? John? Everyone? KEN? Who or what is KEN anyway? Why are they after John? For not yet killing someone he doesn’t know? How do they know about it? Did he tell them? Are they psychic too? What makes it okay for them to try and kill him? Why would they want to? What makes them think they could, given that he’s psychic?
Some of these questions may be answered in the script itself, but raising questions with the logline never works. You want people to be intrigued by the story, and want to read the script because they’re interested – not to have questions answered that they shouldn’t be asking.
And in general there’s no need to include names in a logline. Maybe try something like this:
“When a lazy psychic envisions himself murdering a stranger, he must find the real killer while evading another clairvoyant sent to hunt him down.”
I don’t know if that matches your story or not, but it gives an idea of who the protagonist is, what the conflict is, what’s at stake, and the antagonist. I just said one guy because it’s more specific; in a synopsis you might say the hunter works for and was sent by KEN, but putting that here, as I said, raises too many questions. Because if the organization is all-seeing, then he can’t escape them, because they see all?or maybe they don’t really, but again, that’s too much to digest in a logline. Get someone’s attention and make them want to know more, but without them asking what something means, or for an explanation.
See less