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Upon successful human cloning, the mother and the Military of USA destroy the Earth, to redefine ?Mankind? and ?Humanity? on a recreated Earth.
Fighting for the social acceptance of anyone in any situation isn't enough for a story - hold your horses any "WARRIORS" out there, please read ahead... The power of a story comes from the hight of the stakes the main character faces and in this case, the stakes (as defined in the logline) aren't hiRead more
Fighting for the social acceptance of anyone in any situation isn’t enough for a story – hold your horses any “WARRIORS” out there, please read ahead…
The power of a story comes from the hight of the stakes the main character faces and in this case, the stakes (as defined in the logline) aren’t high enough – relevant or timely, perhaps, but not high. Consider The Imitation Game, the main plot of the film dealt with stopping the Nazi forces from winning the war – Das iz big stakes, ya? However, the subplot was about society’s inability to accept a gay guy – in other words, social acceptance.
Point is, you need high enough stakes for the MC to pursue in the ‘A’ plot and any lesser stakes to be delegated to the ‘B’ or C’ plots.
Stakes aside, the logline’s structure isn’t helping. Specifically, what event made the mother need to fight for her children? This is the big motivating event, or inciting incident, and needs to be described in the logline.
Lastly, you need to describe a goal “…fight for the social acceptance of her cloned children…” is an action but how will the audience know she succeeded or failed? What is the end result of her fight? You need to describe the goal she is fighting for and in doing so give a clear time frame for your story so a decisions maker can wrap their head around it.
See lessWhen a misguided and socially frustrated young Muslim is manipulated online by a violent female imposter this nerve-shredding urban drama constructs a series of events that entwines the stringent crimes of some of modern societies most deviant personalities.
Agreed with Richieve and DPG. I'll add that the different parts of your story machine don't seem to fit together. How does the MC being misguided, socially frustrated, young, and Muslim all work together in creating an obstacle for him or a character arc? And what is his need or want or goal?
Agreed with Richieve and DPG.
I’ll add that the different parts of your story machine don’t seem to fit together.
How does the MC being misguided, socially frustrated, young, and Muslim all work together in creating an obstacle for him or a character arc? And what is his need or want or goal?
See lessWhile training a new intelligent human specie, a scientist discovers their origin to be alien. He must lead an intelligence team to erase them before they emerge as emperors to human-intelligence.
The first clause is redundant and should be cut - it doesn't describe the plot. The descriptions in the logline as a whole are a bit strange; "...intelligent human specie...", (humans are an intelligent species), "...a scientist..." (this doesn't say much about what kind of person he or she is - givRead more
The first clause is redundant and should be cut – it doesn’t describe the plot.
The descriptions in the logline as a whole are a bit strange; “…intelligent human specie…”, (humans are an intelligent species), “…a scientist…” (this doesn’t say much about what kind of person he or she is – give us a flaw), “…erase them…” (Who? The aliens? If so, replace ‘them’ with ‘the aliens’).
It’s not immediately clear (and therefore doesn’t work in the logline) what “…emperors to human-intelligence…” means. You need to make everything in the logline read crystal clear to anyone.
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