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Revised: After her children are taken, on account of her mental illness, a holier-than-though mother must reclaim them, by undergoing a life-threatening VR therapy: defeating embodiments of her demons in simulated combat.
You need to decide what is the better goal, getting the kids back or curing herself. Richiev's version, in my mind, is stronger as it gives her a clear objective goal we can see her achieve without the need for exposition. Her kids being taken away from her is a very powerful image and one that woulRead more
You need to decide what is the better goal, getting the kids back or curing herself. Richiev’s version, in my mind, is stronger as it gives her a clear objective goal we can see her achieve without the need for exposition.
Her kids being taken away from her is a very powerful image and one that would clearly motivate her, a positive diagnosis less so.
See lessAfter a lovesick flight attendant and the wife of a doppelganger of a famous actor becomes pregnant by him, he sets out to convince them to share a home with him.
My first reaction was to stay WELL AWAY from this thread... but then I thought an impartial opinion could help clarify a few things.First and foremost, we encourage all members to express their honest opinions about a story/logline in full - this is the only way we can actually learn from each otherRead more
My first reaction was to stay WELL AWAY from this thread… but then I thought an impartial opinion could help clarify a few things.
First and foremost, we encourage all members to express their honest opinions about a story/logline in full – this is the only way we can actually learn from each other. If anyone finds someone’s thoughts unpleasing or otherwise different to their own, no biggie, it happens all the time – my approach is to thank them for their time and move on to the next comment.
I believe that any remarks made with a social-political context about a concept are intended to highlight a marketing/pitching caveat rather than be a criticism of any kind. If this wasn’t the case, then we do apologise – this website exists for the discussion of story in general, loglines in particular and nothing else.
See lessAfter a lovesick flight attendant and the wife of a doppelganger of a famous actor becomes pregnant by him, he sets out to convince them to share a home with him.
This logline is confusing - I'm not sure if the flight attendant and wife are the same character or two separate characters and it's unclear who the pronoun 'he' in the second clause is referring to. Other than the confusion over the wording in the logline, it's also unclear what the story will be -Read more
This logline is confusing – I’m not sure if the flight attendant and wife are the same character or two separate characters and it’s unclear who the pronoun ‘he’ in the second clause is referring to.
Other than the confusion over the wording in the logline, it’s also unclear what the story will be – is it about someone convincing a couple of women to live with him? This doesn’t sound like much of a story, if anything, the story would really start after they agree to live together and all the problems that come about as a result of the awkward triangle.
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