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After losing her partner in dance competition and being stuck in physical therapy for her injuries, the girl must find another partner to win the upcoming competition in which her coach suggested a perfectly skilled street fighter with no dance experience.
The story is hard to gauge from the logline, I think it's because you have too many unrelated details. Cut the first mention of a dance comp and physical therapy beats - they are backstory and add very little to the plot. The main plot point is that she loses her partner, that's the inciting incidenRead more
The story is hard to gauge from the logline, I think it’s because you have too many unrelated details.
Cut the first mention of a dance comp and physical therapy beats – they are backstory and add very little to the plot. The main plot point is that she loses her partner, that’s the inciting incident and the only thing needed to set up the plot.
“…the girl…” is a very bad way to introduce your MC. ‘the’ implies that the reader should already know who she is but since you haven’t mentioned her until then it comes across as confusing and ‘girl’ (you have no idea how often we comment on this) is too generic for a logline. What is her major flaw? Use that to describe her instead of ‘girl’.
See lessWhen a traveling butcher’s grisly plans to take over a small town are revealed, an unassuming deaf man must use his hidden talents to protect his community.
A man planning his own suicide is a risky MC to write. Suicidal Tendencies, in most cases, are not good traits for a main character. However, if you do succeed in making this a good comedy (perhaps using lots of black humour) it could work.The big problem with the logline is the lack of detail, descRead more
A man planning his own suicide is a risky MC to write. Suicidal Tendencies, in most cases, are not good traits for a main character. However, if you do succeed in making this a good comedy (perhaps using lots of black humour) it could work.
The big problem with the logline is the lack of detail, descriptions such as “…an unexpected intruder…”, “…finds help…”, and “…sympathetic souls…” are perfectly generic and add very little to the reader’s understanding of the story. I would also specify the wife’s death as the inciting incident- it’s a big event that really does shake his world and his motivation will be understood by most people around the world.
See lessAfter discovering his sister, presumed dead, is alive, a soldier must betray his father, the general, to save her.
This logline has some high stakes and a good backdrop but lacks some critical details. I think the intention is that the sister was reported as killed in battle, then new reports came in that she is still alive but behind enemy lines, is that the case? If so, there's no need to describe her as presuRead more
This logline has some high stakes and a good backdrop but lacks some critical details.
I think the intention is that the sister was reported as killed in battle, then new reports came in that she is still alive but behind enemy lines, is that the case? If so, there’s no need to describe her as presumed dead – the emotional stakes of wanting to save your sibling are high enough as it is. Why not change it so the inciting incident is – After his sister is caught behind enemy lines during a war between humans and elves…
The whole betraying father element pales in comparison to his efforts in fighting the enemy to save the sister – that’s where your major conflict and obstacles will be, the dad will calm down once sis is back safe and sound.
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