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When her daughter is kidnapped at a local convenience store, Midge Phaeton must bring the sex trafficking to its knees, but when she is caught, and beaten to a pulp, she must outsmart the traffickers in order to save her daughter from being exploited or killed.
Agreed with the above, the stakes and the obstacles are not mentioned in the logline. I would start it with a description of the bad guys threatening the couple and make it so the threat is what motivated them to sell the car. However, I still don't understand what's stopping them, or in other wordsRead more
Agreed with the above, the stakes and the obstacles are not mentioned in the logline.
I would start it with a description of the bad guys threatening the couple and make it so the threat is what motivated them to sell the car. However, I still don’t understand what’s stopping them, or in other words, what will be their major obstacle.
See lessA young ex basketball player finds himself falling in love with his best friend, but being feared to hurt her due to his post-traumatic stress disorder, he must learn to cope in order to move forward with her before he lose her for good.
This concept doesn't grab/hook my attention, it's a love story - boy meets girl, boy falls in love with a girl, and they end up together. The main reason why this concept fails to grab me is the generic descriptions - "...young..." means nothing in a logline, as life teaches us, that word gets redefRead more
This concept doesn’t grab/hook my attention, it’s a love story – boy meets girl, boy falls in love with a girl, and they end up together. The main reason why this concept fails to grab me is the generic descriptions – “…young…” means nothing in a logline, as life teaches us, that word gets redefined the older we get. A fifteen year old work experience assistant I had a few years ago, called me an old man on account of my 35 years of age at the time, I doubt he would do the same when he reaches his thirties. Is the MC a teenager, early twenties, mid twenties or late twenties?
In what way does his being a basketball player help or hinder his efforts to get the girl? It doesn’t sound like it does either, is there a better description you could use for the main character?
What makes love stories, and especially boy meets girl stories, interesting is the force that keeps the lovers apart. In this case, you chose PTSD, but what’s not clear is the actions he’ll take to overcome the condition, that’s the bulk of act two – the meat of your story.
See lessDue to IVF and genetic changes humanity only exist in the future as twins or multiple births. A self-proclaimed leader decides that the natural balance has to be restored by what he calls natural selection. The tormented genius ?Daggy? Pollux fights against the execution of his love interest who’s been selected as the weaker one.
Good points made already, I'll only add that a logline needs to focus on the primary action, goal, and obstacle the main character faces. Your logline mentions too much, yet at the same time, explains very little about the story and character motivations. You can cut the first two sentences and rewoRead more
Good points made already, I’ll only add that a logline needs to focus on the primary action, goal, and obstacle the main character faces.
Your logline mentions too much, yet at the same time, explains very little about the story and character motivations. You can cut the first two sentences and reword the third so it details the sequence of events which motivated the MC to take action, for example: After his fiance is selected for execution by the government, a [good main character description] must [take this action] to save her life.
Reading through the rest of the comments on this thread, it becomes clear that the story is more about the twins than the lovers so the above example is more of a structural guide at this point.
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