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When the livestock of a small farming community comes under attack from a mysterious predator the sheriff gathers a coalition of the willing to venture into the woods to find and kill the animal. However as they trek further and further into the woods, they are killed off one by one and the sheriff, realizing one of them is the monster in disguise, must solve the mystery of who?s the killer. *This one feels messier then the previous one but how do I accentuate the details whilst still keeping it brief?
You've added more detail that shouldn't be added, didn't add detail that should, and at 77 words the logline is too long - brevity helps the reader understand your concept. In short, and seeing as it wasn't explained well enough, loglines are made up of clear details of the major plot points of theRead more
You’ve added more detail that shouldn’t be added, didn’t add detail that should, and at 77 words the logline is too long – brevity helps the reader understand your concept.
In short, and seeing as it wasn’t explained well enough, loglines are made up of clear details of the major plot points of the story. The farming community being small is irrelevant, who gathers the hunting party is irrelevant, it being a coalition of willing is irrelevant, where they will venture off to catch the beast is irrelevant, them trecking further and further into the woods is irrelevant.
The main character is relevant, you NEED one main character for the story to be focused on. I get that you have a story in mind about a few people hunting, but to make this work you need one dramatic point of view for the story to be told from.
Who is the main character in the group? Is it one of the farmers that lost animals, or better yet one of his or her children, to the beast? Is it the sheriff? Is it the leader of the hunting party?
Second is the inciting incident, what spurs the main character on to take action? In other words, what is the powerful motivating out of the ordinary event that makes the main character have to achieve a goal?
Segue in to…
The goal! Yes, it’s pretty obvious that the goal is to catch the beast, but you need to specify what this means – kill it, prevent other people or animals from being mutilated, banish it to hell. Whatever it is, specifically, that the main character intends to do must be described.
From the many iterations you’ve posted already, I have pieced together enough information to provide you with an example:
After his son is killed by a livestock mutilating beast, a farmer leads a hunting party to kill it and prevent more tragedies.
23 words.
Here is another example of the same concept that includes a form of twist:
See lessAfter her son is killed by a beast, a farmer leads a hunting party after it, but they are attacked and realize the beast is a shapeshifter amongst them.
29 words.
In the year 3,000 since the hell-break an ex-soldier is helping group of small weasel-like creatures to cross hostile continent in search for their homeland. Part of the payment he receives is not simply a toy like he believes in the beginning but a mysterious powerful entity.
As DPG wrote a reluctant hero is often a better approach, explained well by Chris Vogler in The Writer's Journey, as it imbues the decision the MC makes with significance and adds weight to their burden. However, the hero's reluctance doesn't need to be specified in the logline - it's not directly rRead more
As DPG wrote a reluctant hero is often a better approach, explained well by Chris Vogler in The Writer’s Journey, as it imbues the decision the MC makes with significance and adds weight to their burden. However, the hero’s reluctance doesn’t need to be specified in the logline – it’s not directly related to the plot and almost a given that there will be some reluctance.
See lessIn the year 3,000 since the hell-break an ex-soldier is helping group of small weasel-like creatures to cross hostile continent in search for their homeland. Part of the payment he receives is not simply a toy like he believes in the beginning but a mysterious powerful entity.
Agreed with Nicholas. Also, the wording is confusing in your logline. Loglines thrive on clarity if someone needs to double back during the read and piece together broken sentences the logline will fail in its goal. Brevity, clarity, simple sentences and correct grammar are essential regardless.
Agreed with Nicholas.
Also, the wording is confusing in your logline. Loglines thrive on clarity if someone needs to double back during the read and piece together broken sentences the logline will fail in its goal. Brevity, clarity, simple sentences and correct grammar are essential regardless.
See less