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When a young ward of the state is fostered to a crazy family planning a heist, he sets out to find his real father before being forced to engage in criminal activities that will see him back in juvenile prison.
Hi Benny, I don't think him simply wanting to find out the identity of his father is enough. It seems like a melodramatic need instead of a dramatic one. For it to work, I dare say, you will need to expand a lot of script on exposition and backstory explaining why, for this one particular boy, his fRead more
Hi Benny,
I don’t think him simply wanting to find out the identity of his father is enough. It seems like a melodramatic need instead of a dramatic one. For it to work, I dare say, you will need to expand a lot of script on exposition and backstory explaining why, for this one particular boy, his father’s identity means so much as to become a story worthy goal.
Is there a different goal relating to the father you could use instead?
Just a thought, but what if he had a sister and she needs a life-saving kidney or bone marrow donation. The authoratise have it on file that the father is the only one capable of providing them with the necessary tissue, now the boy has a dramatic need he MUST fulfill or else he will lose the only other person he cares about.
See lessWhen a young ward of the state is fostered to a crazy family planning a heist, he sets out to find his real father before being forced to engage in criminal activities that will see him back in juvenile prison.
Agreed with DPG, the basic logic of the premise doesn't work. I believe the only way to get around the logic flaw is to associate an emotional connection via a stakes character. What if his real father is a criminal who has decided to quit crime? The foster family know this and decide to use the kidRead more
Agreed with DPG, the basic logic of the premise doesn’t work.
I believe the only way to get around the logic flaw is to associate an emotional connection via a stakes character. What if his real father is a criminal who has decided to quit crime? The foster family know this and decide to use the kid as leverage to force the father to break into a vault. Now the kid is compelled to stay involved as he wants to help his dad.
Here is my attempt:
After his foster family of crooks plan to force his real father to do one last a heist, a teenager must aid them in an attempt to save his father from being caught and thrown in jail.
Not the best but get’s the emotional angle in.
See lessPlease! Review it! Thanks.
Correct grammar! Best you proof read your material:Here is your logline corrected:To overcome her fear of the outside world as a result of her mother?s death and rape, an orphaned girl, who suffers from hallucinations, accepts the help of a stranger and moves in with him.That aside this logline lackRead more
Correct grammar! Best you proof read your material:
Here is your logline corrected:
To overcome her fear of the outside world as a result of her mother?s death and rape, an orphaned girl, who suffers from hallucinations, accepts the help of a stranger and moves in with him.
That aside this logline lacks its most vital component – a goal. What does the girl want to achieve in practical terms?
Lastly, the structure and wording of the logline could be better, for example:
See lessAfter witnessing her mother’s rape/murder an agoraphobic girl must [do something interesting] in order to achieve [a compelling goal].