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When a man’s marriage proposal is curiously rejected, he secretly hires a private investigator to investigate; but when the PI ends up following the wrong girl, the man must learn to differentiate truth from fiction to win his girlfriend back.
This is confusing. How can a proposal be "...curiously rejected..."? It can either be rejected or accepted, the qualifier "...curiously..." seems strange. Hiring a PI is done in secret, that's obvious and need not be specified in the logline. What is the PI hired to investigate? Why she said 'no'? TRead more
This is confusing.
How can a proposal be “…curiously rejected…”? It can either be rejected or accepted, the qualifier “…curiously…” seems strange.
Hiring a PI is done in secret, that’s obvious and need not be specified in the logline.
What is the PI hired to investigate? Why she said ‘no’? That is a very strange way to deal with rejection, possibly confront her, maybe ask her family and friends, but hiring a PI seems way off.
Why would the PI follow the wrong girl? He’s not a very good PI then… Wouldn’t the MC fire him once he finds out he’s following the wrong girl? Otherwise, the premise makes little sense, why go along with an incompetent PI that’s following the wrong person?!
I think that you’re trying to imply that he lives in his own little dream world if so how is he going to go about learning the difference between truth and fiction – the action he takes is unclear.
See lessLastly, why would he want to get back together with a girl that rejected him? She said ‘no’ there’s not much to win back, or am I missing something?
Requesting critical feedback
The last draft of the logline is even more cryptic than the first - there are too many unclear elements lacking a cause and effect. Use a different description to "...literary gifted..." - most people don't know what that means, it seems to have little if no impact on the plot and isn't an understanRead more
The last draft of the logline is even more cryptic than the first – there are too many unclear elements lacking a cause and effect.
Use a different description to “…literary gifted…” – most people don’t know what that means, it seems to have little if no impact on the plot and isn’t an understandable flaw that indicates an inner journey for the MC.
Give him a different inciting incident, or describe it in clear terms – escalating someone’s perception of a recovery is vague most people reading this would have no idea what it means.
Give him a different course of action or describe it in another way. How does he channel a fictional character? This is unclear? Is the MC a fictional character? Does he live in a fictional universe?
How does finding his identity connect to any of the elements described in the concept? Is there a different more concrete goal you can give the MC to achieve?
See lessRequesting critical feedback
Agreed with DPG. The concept is unclear, is the whole film a screen adaptation of his dreams and thoughts? Or is the action seen on screen what happens around him? Also, If he is in a coma, what actually happens? what starts him on his journey? What forces him into action? Lastly, and most importantRead more
Agreed with DPG.
The concept is unclear, is the whole film a screen adaptation of his dreams and thoughts? Or is the action seen on screen what happens around him?
Also, If he is in a coma, what actually happens? what starts him on his journey? What forces him into action?
Lastly, and most importantly, what is his goal and how is the audience privy to it?
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