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Two brothers struggle with forgiveness and loyalty when one takes revenge on the priest who wronged him in residential school only to realize he doesn’t get what he bargained for after inviting them back to the decrepit brick fortress one last time.
Agreed with DPG, and as usual, almost all noteworthy comments made, courtesy of international time zones, before we get to read the post...One other thing to think of is the dual protagonist plot - is it necessary for the story to work?If you can get away with one, I strongly -- nay, very strongly -Read more
One other thing to think of is the dual protagonist plot – is it necessary for the story to work?
If you can get away with one, I strongly — nay, very strongly — suggest you change it. It’s hard enough to write a story with one main character let alone two.
Last thing, what did they actually survive? I get that the education system imposed by colonial governments was not fair, but the specific nature of their ordeal may add to the emotional stakes much like in Sleepers. In other words, if they were beaten or raped we could immediately empathize with their motivation with little explanation needed.
See lessA religious psychopath working as a TV medium gets conflicted when a dead cardinal begs him to spare his bastard daughter, the psychopaths’ female co-worker.
Agreed with DPG. The wording in this logline is hard to understand, whose daughter should be spared the dead cardinal's or the medium's? And, spare from what exactly? What does the "...female co-worker..." have to do with the story? Why female? This describes half the population, is there a more speRead more
Agreed with DPG.
The wording in this logline is hard to understand, whose daughter should be spared the dead cardinal’s or the medium’s? And, spare from what exactly? What does the “…female co-worker…” have to do with the story? Why female? This describes half the population, is there a more specific description that would make her relevant to the plot?
In addition to the plot being unclear, the stakes are not clear either.
See lessAfter a string of failed pregnancies and suicide attempts, a skeptical waitress must learn to trust a bizarre construction worker in order to escape her abusive ex-lover and keep the baby she has stolen.
"...baby she has stolen..." - not good, change this first!!! You can't have such an awful person as the MC - it simply won't work. What is her goal? Or better yet, what other goal could she have that isn't keeping a stolen baby?Once you identify the new goal -- AND YOU NEED TO IF THIS CONCEPT IS TORead more
“…baby she has stolen…” – not good, change this first!!! You can’t have such an awful person as the MC – it simply won’t work. What is her goal? Or better yet, what other goal could she have that isn’t keeping a stolen baby?
Once you identify the new goal — AND YOU NEED TO IF THIS CONCEPT IS TO WORK — think of a single event that would motivate her to achieve said goal. “…a string of failed pregnancies and suicide attempts…” is not an incident it’s a sequence of semi-related events that take place over a period of time.
Lastly, the connecting sinew between the events and characters is unclear: Why MUST she trust a “…bizarre…” stranger? How is this connected to her dramatic need? Why now? Why him? Why?
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