1. Posted: October 1, 2017In:

    To begin a new life after a suicide attempt, an orphaned girl, who is afraid of the outer world, with a stranger’s help moves to a big city and begins interacting with people.

    Neer Shelter Singularity

    Agreed with DPG.Also, the first few clauses are backstory, good for the synopsis but redundant in the logline. Focus the next version on the sequence of events that occur after she gets to the city.

    Agreed with DPG.

    Also, the first few clauses are backstory, good for the synopsis but redundant in the logline. Focus the next version on the sequence of events that occur after she gets to the city.

    See less
    • 0
  2. Posted: October 1, 2017In:

    When a young party-girl?s father is framed and imprisoned, she must find the evidence to clear him and fool social services into believing she?s responsible enough to care for her little brother.

    Neer Shelter Singularity

    This reads very well. The only comment I think is worth making is about the clarity of the goal. What is her primary goal free the father or care for the brother? Hint, it can't be both...Freeing the father may be an objective along the way to caring for the brother, but only one of these can be theRead more

    This reads very well. The only comment I think is worth making is about the clarity of the goal. What is her primary goal free the father or care for the brother?
    Hint, it can’t be both…

    Freeing the father may be an objective along the way to caring for the brother, but only one of these can be the ‘A’ plot goal. If it is to care for the brother, the goal needs clarification – what does “…care for her little brother…” mean?

    Does she want custody over him? Does she want to save him from evil foster parents? Will she break him out of an orphanage and run away with him to a safe house? Whatever it is she must do to care for him, it needs to be described with more specificity in the logline.

    See less
    • 0
  3. Posted: September 29, 2017In:

    When a timid spoiled peeping tom discovers his poor law-school classmate is moonlighting as a cat burglar, she offers to set him up with the girl of his dreams in return for his silence.

    Neer Shelter Singularity

    "...timid..." implies quite and reserved, while "...spoiled..." implies entitled if not arrogant - the two descriptions don't work together.? Further, the MC is a peeping tom - really?!! And her goal is to bribe a classmate for silence with a 'hook up' - REALLY?!!! How is this a character the audienRead more

    “…timid…” implies quite and reserved, while “…spoiled…” implies entitled if not arrogant – the two descriptions don’t work together.? Further, the MC is a peeping tom – really?!! And her goal is to bribe a classmate for silence with a ‘hook up’ – REALLY?!!! How is this a character the audience will want to get behind?

    It also comes across as very lean on story, is this a short or full length feature?

    See less
    • 0