Agreed with Foxtrot25.

The cause and effect are unclear here. What event starts the story? What’s her inciting incident?

Secondly, and this is more of a pet peeve of mine, over used adjectives don’t work well in a logline. The word “…thrilling…” indicates a need to pass the premise as more dramatic than what it is – it’s best to let the reader understand how the adventure will be thrilling by use of compelling goals and actions rather than literally spelling it out for them.

Lastly, what does new home mean? IS it a new adopting parents? An actual house in the outback? A new community to be a part of? how will the viewer see the MC achieving this goal in the end?

“…Nir Shelter was out of order. We?re here to improve loglines. If anyone thinks the subject matter is boring or the structure is moribund, etc. then there are plenty of other loglines that might be more deserving of comment.”

“…When you make a sweeping statement like this you had better be quoting a visionary film-maker like Martin Scorsese or someone similar. If this is simply your own personal opinion transcribed into screenwriting dogma then it smacks of a level of arrogance that actually scares me. ?Don?t you know that dogma is an anathema to creativity?”

Kbfilmworks,

Knowing how to take notes and implement them into your work is a vital skill that all writers need to learn. The nature of your comments above indicate a lack of experience, and that’s why we’re here – to help each other learn.

You asked for our opinions and that is what you got. In future, please be thankful to those who take the time to read your loglines.

Seeing as you so eagerly dismissed what I wrote, and clearly lack appreciation for it, I shall refrain from ever commenting on your posts again.

Good luck in your screenwriting career – with this kind of attitude you’ll need lots of it…

Nir.