Maybe it’s just me but? I find this character not interesting. What is it about her that will make her story compelling? There have been many stories about or involving returning vets, most of them employed high stakes and interesting scenarios, (Rambo, Born on the 4th of July, American Sniper and even John Watson) this one hints at something but is unclear as to what it is.

So what’s at stake in her succeeding or failing as a poker player?

If she succeeds she gets money, if she doesn’t she gets an office job. None of this is really interesting, therefore you’ve now added the serial killer angle. With her life put at risk the stakes go up but without her knowing they would – how does she know she’s playing opposite a serial killer? Even if he or she were to confess it’s a mighty hard thing to simply believe on face value.

Assuming the killer made a few attempts on her life this turns into a survival story between a vet and a serial killer, what’s stopping her from going to the nearest police station?

You’re trying to play on the irony of a person doing something they think will be safer but in actual fact turns out to be more dangerous. That’s a nice additive but is far from a hook, what this story needs is a stakes character. In other words, if there was more at risk than just her life her fight for survival becomes a noble one.

What if she cleaned out a serial killer in a high-stakes illegal poker game with the intention to pay for a medical procedure to save a loved one. This way you give her a goal beyond mere survival and raise the stakes.

The career tramp description can be cut – it’s no longer relevant seeing as he’s a conman.

What is the one event that makes him realize the ex is under cover?? This would be the inciting incident and needs to be specified in the logline, then the goal he pursues as a result of this event needs to be described. What he chooses to do as a result of having the IRS on him is his goal, and is currently missing.