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?Blamed for banishing the antichrist back to hell, a gang of demons must make their way across the city, as they fight through each territory, and the monsters that hold them down, to get back to their home turf, where they think they are safe.? ? THE FIENDS – by Judah Ray
Telling a story about one character is hard enough much less six of them. Multiple main characters don't sound critical to the plot at hand and will run the risk of shifting the POV throughout the film, this could subsequently fragment the audience's emotional connection. I suggest identifying one mRead more
Telling a story about one character is hard enough much less six of them. Multiple main characters don’t sound critical to the plot at hand and will run the risk of shifting the POV throughout the film, this could subsequently fragment the audience’s emotional connection. I suggest identifying one main character in the whole group.
If their goal is safety then the inciting incident should clearly motivate them to need safety, currently, they’re being blamed for banishing the antichrist but this doesn’t directly imply they are in danger. I suggest you change the inciting incident to an event that clearly describes the danger they’re in, perhaps one or more of them could get killed.
See lessWhen a man’s marriage proposal is curiously rejected, he secretly hires a private investigator to investigate; but when the PI ends up following the wrong girl, the man must learn to differentiate truth from fiction to win his girlfriend back.
This is confusing. How can a proposal be "...curiously rejected..."? It can either be rejected or accepted, the qualifier "...curiously..." seems strange. Hiring a PI is done in secret, that's obvious and need not be specified in the logline. What is the PI hired to investigate? Why she said 'no'? TRead more
This is confusing.
How can a proposal be “…curiously rejected…”? It can either be rejected or accepted, the qualifier “…curiously…” seems strange.
Hiring a PI is done in secret, that’s obvious and need not be specified in the logline.
What is the PI hired to investigate? Why she said ‘no’? That is a very strange way to deal with rejection, possibly confront her, maybe ask her family and friends, but hiring a PI seems way off.
Why would the PI follow the wrong girl? He’s not a very good PI then… Wouldn’t the MC fire him once he finds out he’s following the wrong girl? Otherwise, the premise makes little sense, why go along with an incompetent PI that’s following the wrong person?!
I think that you’re trying to imply that he lives in his own little dream world if so how is he going to go about learning the difference between truth and fiction – the action he takes is unclear.
See lessLastly, why would he want to get back together with a girl that rejected him? She said ‘no’ there’s not much to win back, or am I missing something?
“A man caught in the wrong place, at the wrong time, must battle unthinkable odds to deliver a package, and not miss the most rewarding moment of his life.” – ROLL WITH THE PUNCHES by Judah Ray ?
Loglines are made up of clear causally connected details, the likes of which are missing in this post. Descriptions such as "...unthinkable odds..." work against clarity as they are vague in nature. What is the situation that creates the unthinkable odds? Point is, a good logline will use clear detaRead more
Loglines are made up of clear causally connected details, the likes of which are missing in this post.
Descriptions such as “…unthinkable odds…” work against clarity as they are vague in nature. What is the situation that creates the unthinkable odds?
Point is, a good logline will use clear detail to cause the reader to understand that the MC will face unthinkable odds, not state it literally in the text.
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