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After her employers die in a city wide pandemic an Upper West Side nanny must navigate the violent streets to save their young son and put him on the last boat to safety.
Is the pandemic still killing people? If so her goal is to get to the boy before she or he die, this is a ticking time bomb. The obstacle becomes the distance from her house to the boy, but is there anything else stopping her from safetly getting to the boy? It seems a bit lackluster otherwise.
Is the pandemic still killing people? If so her goal is to get to the boy before she or he die, this is a ticking time bomb. The obstacle becomes the distance from her house to the boy, but is there anything else stopping her from safetly getting to the boy? It seems a bit lackluster otherwise.
See lessFollowing the discovery of an enemy radar station?s location, a pilot?s brash behavior threatens his chance to destroy it and earn the respect he craves.
What DPG wrote. I'll add that you're still using vague descriptions - "...unconventional tactics..." could mean any number of things. What must he specifically do? To save his crew is a goal, but the obstacle and dramatic situation are unclear.
What DPG wrote.
I’ll add that you’re still using vague descriptions – “…unconventional tactics…” could mean any number of things. What must he specifically do?
See lessTo save his crew is a goal, but the obstacle and dramatic situation are unclear.
“There are three sides to every story. Angelica kidnapped Gunnar? Joe is helping his best friend Tiffany look for her fianc?? And the truth is what really happened.” – VIOLATE by Judah Ray ?
A main character with a split personality is not a new concept, most readers will understand the premise so best use that fact. It sounds like the hook, in this case, is the split personality why not put it front and center - you're not giving away the ending just being clear on the premise. UltimatRead more
A main character with a split personality is not a new concept, most readers will understand the premise so best use that fact. It sounds like the hook, in this case, is the split personality why not put it front and center – you’re not giving away the ending just being clear on the premise. Ultimately the goal is to find the kidnapped fiance, Joe will help find him and along the way discover that Angelica is the kidnapper. We, the audience, will either discover Angelica’s true identity with Joe or at the end (like in Fight Club). I tend to think that the ‘surprise’ ending would be cliche, now day and age, and the story would be better off exploring the reality of living with split personalities instead of using them as a supposed ‘twist’ – most audiences will get it long before it’s revealed.
Aside from that the structure of the logline needs to emulate the story, i.e start with an inciting incident, describe a main character and then his or her goal. Right now the reader is left to assume that Gunner is the missing fiance, and wonder what Joe’s motivation for involvement really is.
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