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?When his baby daughter is kidnapped, an Ex-CIA Agent, notorious for being the best they ever had, breaks out of an insane asylum, and stops at nothing to get her back, from the man he himself trained.? ? BlOOM! by Judah Ray ?
Fewer words will serve you better than more, for example; "...an ex CIA agent notorious for being the best they had..." could also be written as; "..a formidable CIA agent..." or "...one of the CIA's former best...". The adjective notorious implies a negative connotation, but being the best is positRead more
Fewer words will serve you better than more, for example; “…an ex CIA agent notorious for being the best they had…” could also be written as; “..a formidable CIA agent…” or “…one of the CIA’s former best…”.
The adjective notorious implies a negative connotation, but being the best is positive so a different adjective will do better here. “…stops at nothing…” is too vague unless you have some unique bit of action he will undertake it doesn’t help the logline and can be cut.
Here is a more focused version of your logline:
See lessAfter his baby is kidnaped, one of the CIA’s former best agents must break out of an insane asylum to hunt down his own former student who took his daughter.
When a man’s marriage proposal is curiously rejected, he secretly hires a private investigator to investigate; but when the PI ends up following the wrong girl, the man must learn to differentiate truth from fiction to win his girlfriend back.
I refer you back to my original post; why hire a PI?It simply makes no sense in the context of his dramatic premise - if he wants to marry this one girl and she rejects, no amount of new information that he learns, no matter how he learns it, will change her mind. Look at it from his perspective, exRead more
I refer you back to my original post; why hire a PI?
It simply makes no sense in the context of his dramatic premise – if he wants to marry this one girl and she rejects, no amount of new information that he learns, no matter how he learns it, will change her mind. Look at it from his perspective, except for her rejecting him, how does he know something is up?
Point is, the inciting incident (rejection) doesn’t logically connect via a cause and effect relationship to the goal (get the girl back). Is there something else that could happen to him that’s out of the ordinary that would logically cause him to need to find out the truth?
See lessAfter her employers die in a city wide pandemic an Upper West Side nanny must navigate the violent streets to save their young son and put him on the last boat to safety.
This is not maternal love, it's a nanny caring for a boy - you would have to qualify her feelings with her being overly attached to this one child. If she were his mother, on the other hand, no explanations needed - genuine maternal love is a strong primal motivator clear to all.
This is not maternal love, it’s a nanny caring for a boy – you would have to qualify her feelings with her being overly attached to this one child. If she were his mother, on the other hand, no explanations needed – genuine maternal love is a strong primal motivator clear to all.
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