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Granted one week to hunt down the true assassin, a lovesick hitman must execute his fiance on day seven when she unwittingly poisons his boss, the kingpin of crime.
Agreed with DPG. I'll add that in addition to the events, the wording and structure are also confusing. I think what you're trying to describe is: After his fiance accidently kills his boss, a love-struck hitman is given a week to murder her. Fundamentally not a bad idea, however, I suggest you giveRead more
Agreed with DPG.
I’ll add that in addition to the events, the wording and structure are also confusing. I think what you’re trying to describe is:
After his fiance accidently kills his boss, a love-struck hitman is given a week to murder her.
Fundamentally not a bad idea, however, I suggest you give him an alternative goal. You’re basically setting up the MC for a big dilemma – will he be loyal to the organization or will he be loyal to his love. But as with all dilemmas, what’s interesting is what he decides to do as a result of making a choice. Point is, what becomes his goal after his decision to either kill her or not?
See lessEDIT: After her farm goes into foreclosure, a naive cowgirl falls in love with a misogynistic cowboy, only to find out that they both compete against each other for $100,000 at a rodeo event.
There are too many details in this logline that lack a cause and effect relationship. Her "...cowgirl..." background is her a strength with which she will win the rodeo, but what is her flaw? Naive? Innocent? Arrogant? Over confident? Why Montana? Is that critical to the plot? If not, cut that descrRead more
There are too many details in this logline that lack a cause and effect relationship.
Her “…cowgirl…” background is her a strength with which she will win the rodeo, but what is her flaw? Naive? Innocent? Arrogant? Over confident?
Why Montana? Is that critical to the plot? If not, cut that description. There are plenty of US states that hold large rodeo events.
Why a misogynist? Assuming that a woman in modern day would fall for someone who, by definition, hates her for being a woman, how does this tie into the plot of her getting money?
Why is the guy a “…college-dropout…”? How does this contribute or present a hurdle for the MC?
Specifying 100K as the prize is enough, no need to add the extra description of “…the biggest rodeo event…” – that’s repetition.
In its simplest form, this concept is about a poor woman who needs money. But what spurs her on to need money now? What is the inciting incident?
See lessWith the raging fire from her grisly past illuminating and burning everything she has worked hard for, the troubled young girl embarks on a difficult journey to find healing and closure.
Agreed with Richiev. Good loglines are made up of clear detail that describe a plot. For example "...a difficult journey..." is a generic term as it contains no plot specific detail. The descriptions you use in a logline should inform the reader enough so that he or she understand the MC will undertRead more
Agreed with Richiev.
Good loglines are made up of clear detail that describe a plot. For example “…a difficult journey…” is a generic term as it contains no plot specific detail. The descriptions you use in a logline should inform the reader enough so that he or she understand the MC will undertake a difficult journey instead of literally wording it in the logline.
See less