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After the death if his daughter and best friend a SWAT sniper engages in a battle of wits and patience against a mob boss who is also his former teacher
Agreed with DPG, his change would be greater if he learns to bend when need be. Also best to specify a singe event that motivates him, I'de say the death of his daughter is a better choice than his mate - it's a?primal urge to protect ones young and failure hits at their core. Secondly his goal needRead more
Agreed with DPG, his change would be greater if he learns to bend when need be.
Also best to specify a singe event that motivates him, I’de say the death of his daughter is a better choice than his mate – it’s a?primal urge to protect ones young and failure hits at their core.
Secondly his goal needs clarification what exactly is he hoping to achieve in this “?battle of wits?”? Is the mob guy the killer and he wants to kill him? Or does the mob guy know where the killer is but refuses to tell the MC? What ever it is it needs to be specified.
See lessBased on real events, in 1984, a gay anti-apartheid activist is arrested for high treason; faced with the death penalty; he comes out to his party in prison, lobbying the ANC to amend the Constitution banning discrimination based on sexual orientation.
As it stands the concept has clear stakes. What is it exactly that the gay man wants to achieve? Avoid the death penalty? If so he needs to choose between saving his life and coming out as gay - the choice is pretty obvious? whats the worst that will happen if he comes out as gay? He'll be ridiculedRead more
As it stands the concept has clear stakes.
What is it exactly that the gay man wants to achieve? Avoid the death penalty?
If so he needs to choose between saving his life and coming out as gay – the choice is pretty obvious? whats the worst that will happen if he comes out as gay? He’ll be ridiculed by bigots BUT HE’LL LIVE.
Point is that his dilemma is not quite a dilemma, therefore best to make his fight for survival the focus of the logline instead. I believe his sexual orientation may not be necessary in the logline, for a black person to be arrested in South Africa during the Apartheid is a major inciting incident with clear stakes and obvious obstacles. The added burden of his sexual orientation at this time of intolerance can be a detail left for the synopsis and script.
I know this is based in a true story but you should?still adjust the events and descriptions to benefit the drama. What if he is in denial of his own sexuality? This way you can use that as a character flaw and therefore justify it being mentioned in the logline.
This also reads much like a court room drama, how does the man avoid the death penalty? Is it in court or does he break out of jail?
If it is a court room drama here is my try:
See lessAfter a black, and in denial, gay man is arrested in 1984 Cape Town, he must defend him self on his own against?the?Apartheid attorney?in order to avoid the death penalty.
In the midst of her marriage breaking down, an alcoholic family councilor must keep the balance between her kids and her job despite her emotional upheaval.
You said: "...her goal is to restore the peace in her family and to avoid a scandal that would affect her career?" Terms such as "...restore the peace in her family?" should be avoided in loglines, as they are generic and lack detail. ?From previous posts I think you mean protect her kids from gettiRead more
You said: “…her goal is to restore the peace in her family and to avoid a scandal that would affect her career?”
Terms such as “…restore the peace in her family?” should be avoided in loglines, as they are generic and lack detail. ?From previous posts I think you mean protect her kids from getting hurt.
I’m getting confused, which of the?TWO goals you mentioned is the primary one in the A plot of your story? Is it to protect her kids or protect her career?
Which ever one you choose you’ll need an appropriate inciting incident, as currently the logline lacks a clear event that starts her off on her journey.
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