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An interstellar hitman is forced together with an intrepid, young archeologist in a race against a ruthless mercenary group to find the legendary fortune of an ancient civilization.
As mentioned above there are lots of problems with this logline, so I'll try to tackle a few key points. The MC sounds passive as he is forced to join with someone else and forced on a journey, better if he is powerfully motivated to need the his ally and need to go on the journey on his own accordRead more
As mentioned above there are lots of problems with this logline, so I’ll try to tackle a few key points.
The MC sounds passive as he is forced to join with someone else and forced on a journey, better if he is powerfully motivated to need the his ally and need to go on the journey on his own accord instead.
There is no inciting incident in the logline, what was the event that motivated him to go after the fortune?
If his goal is to find the fortune, why are a group of mercenaries going to get in his way? Perhaps a rival treasure hunter would make more sense.
Consider Raiders of the Lost Ark, Indiana had a rival archeologist searching for the ark who teamed up with the Nazi’s. This plot devise was a great way to introduce a huge obstacle for Indiana, the obstacle makes sense as the Nazi’s want the same as the archeologist do only for different reasons.
See lessWhat is the equivalent in your story that makes the mercenaries need to find the fortune?
A teenage girl?s life is thrown into chaos when her father dies and her social worker demands a bribe to keep her out of foster care.
Agreed with DPG.Also, many first time writers like to use descriptions?such as?"...life is thrown into chaos?" as they sound dramatic, however the opposite is true. These kind of descriptions?are generic which makes them dramatic for dramatics sake instead of being dramatic as a result of the situatRead more
Agreed with DPG.
Also, many first time writers like to use descriptions?such as?”…life is thrown into chaos?” as they sound dramatic, however the opposite is true. These kind of descriptions?are generic which makes them dramatic for dramatics sake instead of being dramatic as a result of the situation at hand, therefore it gives the concept a melodramatic feel.
See lessA lawsuit for his wife?s injury offers a homeless group leader a ticket out? until a member of his flock threatens to testify. Now he must resort to extreme measure to stop him.
As a rule of thumb a single protagonist is preferable, and as mentioned, especially for a beginner writer. However for a multi protagonist plots the protagonists would need to have the same goal for the script to work well.
As a rule of thumb a single protagonist is preferable, and as mentioned, especially for a beginner writer. However for a multi protagonist plots the protagonists would need to have the same goal for the script to work well.
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