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A grieving 12 year old boy must navigate between his physical and fantasy worlds, battling fears and doubts to uncover the origins of a mysterious dagger. This journey will test the truths of who he is and who he is to become.
The genre is clear from the mention of a fantasy world and magical object, however the plot isn't. There are too many generic descriptions used and too few details described in the logline for a plot to come across clearly. In addition there is no inciting incident that clearly motivates the boy andRead more
The genre is clear from the mention of a fantasy world and magical object, however the plot isn’t.
There are too many generic descriptions used and too few details described in the logline for a plot to come across clearly. In addition there is no inciting incident that clearly motivates the boy and, to boot, the goal is vague.
What starts the boy off on his journey? What motivates him to need to achieve his goal?
You mentioned that he is grieving, unless it is an unusually long term grief, that isn’t a flaw – it’s a natural and healthy state of being after a loss. What is he grieving from? You could use the death that made him grieve as his inciting incident.
Secondly, the goal needs specifying. What will he do once he uncovers the origin of the dagger? What will knowing the origin of the dagger give him? How will he use this knowledge to make things better and for whom?
The last sentence is all together redundant, as it adds nothing to the plot description, and reads more like an attempt to describe the journey as dramatic in retrospect.
See lessStranded in enemy space, when a tyrannical federation’s mothership seizes his father’s company car, a fickle teen must retrieve it and return home on Earth before his father starts his new job.
It's not the mother ship that that seizes the car rather the tyrannical alien ship captain. In this instance it would be better to specify and antagonist that does the bad thing.But as the others have mentioned above, the stakes are not high enough or the "problem" (as McKee would put it) doesn't soRead more
It’s not the mother ship that that seizes the car rather the tyrannical alien ship captain. In this instance it would be better to specify and antagonist that does the bad thing.
But as the others have mentioned above, the stakes are not high enough or the “problem” (as McKee would put it) doesn’t sound story worthy. If there is an intergalactic war going on, why not make the boy or his father or both need to fight the bad guys to stop or win the war?
See lessEnglish teacher John Keating inspires his students to look at poetry with a different perspective of authentic knowledge and feeling.
Agree with DPG, the change of subject matter (poetry v string theory) also changes the stakes as a result of their implications with in this specific strict education institution. However, in my mind, Dead Poets Society was more about the student than the teacher. I believe he, the student, was theRead more
Agree with DPG, the change of subject matter (poetry v string theory) also changes the stakes as a result of their implications with in this specific strict education institution.
However, in my mind, Dead Poets Society was more about the student than the teacher. I believe he, the student, was the MC on account of him having the greatest change throughout the story. The inciting incident him for the first time, to that point, in his academic career getting an unconventional teacher that radically changes his ability to appreciate literature in general and poetry in particular.
The teacher losing his job is, in many ways, a symbol of the death of the mentor, and ultimately helps motivate the main character to complete his journey.
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