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After being built as a cyborg by a fellow vampire, a young woman must race against time to kill vampires who tries to invade her town so that she can be human again.
Maybe I'm missing something but this logline is confusing. If I work hard at it, this is what I was able to glean: MC - young woman. Inciting event - being turned into a cyborg. Goal - become human again. I shouldn't need to struggle to understand the premise, so even if the above is correct, the loRead more
Maybe I’m missing something but this logline is confusing.
If I work hard at it, this is what I was able to glean:
MC – young woman.
Inciting event – being turned into a cyborg.
Goal – become human again.
I shouldn’t need to struggle to understand the premise, so even if the above is correct, the logline isn’t working.
What’s the cause and effect? How will killing vampires turn her back into being human?
See lessChris and his team plan to renovate a community of vacant row houses. After forcing a squatter out of one of the homes, they soon realize the neighborhood has a very dark history.
A logline's primary function is to describe a plot. A plot is a sequence of events connected via cause and effect. In this logline, there seems to be a disconnect between what's happening and what the characters do. Describe the first event that forces the MC to have to pursue a goal and then descriRead more
A logline’s primary function is to describe a plot. A plot is a sequence of events connected via cause and effect. In this logline, there seems to be a disconnect between what’s happening and what the characters do. Describe the first event that forces the MC to have to pursue a goal and then describe the goal. In what way did they discover the dark history? What specifically happened? What is this history, and why does it motivate the MC? Lastly, as a result, what must the MC achieve?
See less“After a series of bizarre events erupt across the globe, a self-sabotaging math genius is forced, along with a team of hand-picked misfits, to? maintain a bug ridden simulation, namely, life as we know it.” Title: ‘Revelations’ – 1 Hour Scifi TV Pilot
This is a bit wordy and lacks a clear cause and effect relationship. "...a series of bizarre events..." is too vague, what one event spurs him or her to take action? How will the MC being a self-sabotaging math genius help or hinder their efforts? In other words, what is the main character's flaw? MRead more
This is a bit wordy and lacks a clear cause and effect relationship.
“…a series of bizarre events…” is too vague, what one event spurs him or her to take action?
How will the MC being a self-sabotaging math genius help or hinder their efforts? In other words, what is the main character’s flaw?
More importantly, as this is a series, the premise engine isn’t clear. Good series loglines need a premise that will reliably generate new scenarios for each episode. There’s something there with the simulation thing (reminiscent of the Matrix), but it’s not clear enough how it will be interesting to see this story unfold episode after episode. Predominantly, this is as the logline fails to describe a flawed character that will clash with the world around them in their pursuit of an ambition.
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