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With the help of his undead lost love, a reluctant store manager must return to the island where she was slain to prevent the escape of a primitive evil before the anniversary of her death.
The cause and effect relationship between the major story beats is unclear. What makes him HAVE to go to the island and stop the evil thing? And, what will happen if he doesn't go?
The cause and effect relationship between the major story beats is unclear.
What makes him HAVE to go to the island and stop the evil thing?
And, what will happen if he doesn’t go?
See less“A guilt-ridden hunter must protect his family from a murderous gang when he accidentally kills their leader’s daughter.”
My try:After accidentally killing a drug lord's daughter, a guilt-ridden hunter must protect his family from the gangster's rage.Start with the inciting event and with the goal.The biggest problem with this logline is that there's no definitive end to the story.? As it's not clear what protecting thRead more
My try:
After accidentally killing a drug lord’s daughter, a guilt-ridden hunter must protect his family from the gangster’s rage.
Start with the inciting event and with the goal.
The biggest problem with this logline is that there’s no definitive end to the story.? As it’s not clear what protecting the family entails, we don’t understand what the action is and how long it goes for. For a week, a month, a year? And how does he protect them? Fending off assassination attempts, killing the gangster?
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See lessA terminally ill Irish banker with only six months to live must convince her jilted ex-fiance and American baseball star to return back to Ireland to meet his unknown, 10-year-old daughter.
Agreed with Richiev... Perhaps you should add a unique way in which she tries to convince him. What does she actually do to convince him that she's his daughter?
Agreed with Richiev…
Perhaps you should add a unique way in which she tries to convince him.
What does she actually do to convince him that she’s his daughter?
See less