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The complexities of dealing with the suicide of a loved one, taint the innocence of a young boy's formative years. They leave in their wake a man with a powerful urge to mix pleasure and violence. The only thing keeping him from acting out his morbid fantasies is a gnawing conscience. But as his desires gain ground, the man he strives to be loses it's grip, plunging him into the blackness of his own broken mind. He ultimately seeks redemption, but he can never be free from the demons that torment him.
Without going into the details of the logline, you're basically describing "Dexter". I'm not sure this could work in any form especially now so soon after 8 seasons of the show running mostly with incredible success. Concept aside the logline has many words and descriptions it could do with out as aRead more
Without going into the details of the logline, you’re basically describing “Dexter”. I’m not sure this could work in any form especially now so soon after 8 seasons of the show running mostly with incredible success.
Concept aside the logline has many words and descriptions it could do with out as a result the events that happen to the MC and the actions he takes are difficult to understand.
Hope this helps.
See lessWhen down-to-earth Nadya parts ways with her frivolous sister, following their mother's death, she resigns herself to a life of toil and loneliness. So when love comes to her unexpectedly, even amidst the chaos of the Russian revolution, she takes hold of it with both hands. But can her newfound romance survive his lingering infatuation with a long-lost beauty destined to resurface?
There are still too many words in this logline that confuse the issue at hand. For example: "In the throes..." = during. "...tries to ignore her loneliness in a struggle to survive." = redundant description. This is because it doesn't describe a specific way in which she behaves or actions she takesRead more
There are still too many words in this logline that confuse the issue at hand. For example:
“In the throes…” = during.
“…tries to ignore her loneliness in a struggle to survive.” = redundant description. This is because it doesn’t describe a specific way in which she behaves or actions she takes whilst adding little to the story at hand.
“…Niko…” = a redundant name, it is enough to describe the character’s role in the story no need for a name.
“…fledgling affection…” = love.
“…lingering…” = redundant description.
“However, fed up with loneliness…” = desperate or lonely.
“…she throws caution to the wind…” = carelessly or recklessly.
“…into Niko?s life…” = redundant description as it is implied by her returning all together.
“…threatens to shatter more than just their budding relationship.” = destroy their love or destroy their relationship.
As previously mentioned most people use loglines as marketing tools to pitch their stories but some also use them to help structure the core elements of an idea.
What is your intention with this logline?
I ask because the logline appears to try and describe tone and back-story more than the progressive actions and motivations for them. The tone and back-story are important but normally best to save them for a treatment and let the logline tell the very basic chain of events that lead the MC through the story.
So if your pitching with this I would use this to expand it into a treatment and write a separate logline.
However if your structuring with this then I would boil the idea down to the most interesting bare components of the story and re draft the logline.
The MC – a lonely woman, the inciting incident – falling in love, the antagonist – rival woman, the obstacle – The Russian revolution, time and place – Russia early 20th century.
See lessThough I would recommend using the revolution to generate a more powerful and frighting antagonist.
When down-to-earth Nadya parts ways with her frivolous sister, following their mother's death, she resigns herself to a life of toil and loneliness. So when love comes to her unexpectedly, even amidst the chaos of the Russian revolution, she takes hold of it with both hands. But can her newfound romance survive his lingering infatuation with a long-lost beauty destined to resurface?
There are still too many words in this logline that confuse the issue at hand. For example: "In the throes..." = during. "...tries to ignore her loneliness in a struggle to survive." = redundant description. This is because it doesn't describe a specific way in which she behaves or actions she takesRead more
There are still too many words in this logline that confuse the issue at hand. For example:
“In the throes…” = during.
“…tries to ignore her loneliness in a struggle to survive.” = redundant description. This is because it doesn’t describe a specific way in which she behaves or actions she takes whilst adding little to the story at hand.
“…Niko…” = a redundant name, it is enough to describe the character’s role in the story no need for a name.
“…fledgling affection…” = love.
“…lingering…” = redundant description.
“However, fed up with loneliness…” = desperate or lonely.
“…she throws caution to the wind…” = carelessly or recklessly.
“…into Niko?s life…” = redundant description as it is implied by her returning all together.
“…threatens to shatter more than just their budding relationship.” = destroy their love or destroy their relationship.
As previously mentioned most people use loglines as marketing tools to pitch their stories but some also use them to help structure the core elements of an idea.
What is your intention with this logline?
I ask because the logline appears to try and describe tone and back-story more than the progressive actions and motivations for them. The tone and back-story are important but normally best to save them for a treatment and let the logline tell the very basic chain of events that lead the MC through the story.
So if your pitching with this I would use this to expand it into a treatment and write a separate logline.
However if your structuring with this then I would boil the idea down to the most interesting bare components of the story and re draft the logline.
The MC – a lonely woman, the inciting incident – falling in love, the antagonist – rival woman, the obstacle – The Russian revolution, time and place – Russia early 20th century.
See lessThough I would recommend using the revolution to generate a more powerful and frighting antagonist.