If the inciting incident is getting the job, how does that force him to take action?
In other words; what change was brought about in his life as a result that, made him want to do something?

If he is a wannabe weatherman then getting an internship at a TV station is a good thing and part of his normal plan of action. This doesn’t present anything new or different to what he normally would have done.

Perhaps re design the inciting incident to clash with his major character flaw or his aspirations.

Secondly the action of fighting his own tendencies doesn’t relate to getting the internship. The action the MC takes and the inciting incident are not in a cause and effect relationship which dilutes the impact of the MCs choices in the story.

The MC flaw is “…tendencies of stability…” this doesn’t sound like a flaw that would need over coming. Perhaps inflate the tendencies to an OCD level and make it debilitating then it becomes an obstacle for him to overcome.

Hope this helps.

The first half of the logline seems unrelated to the second half. How does the Department of Defense evaluation affect the MC’s discovery?

Also better to specify the danger the antagonist is presenting because “…out for revenge…” is a vague description of what he will do. This makes the MC action vague as well and her goal is not entirely clear as a result.

I’m not sure how things are done in the US navy but I can confirm from first hand experience that navy personnel choices are normally an internal process not a government department one.
Would it perhaps be better to contextualize the story in the navy alone?

Hope this helps.