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After hospital negligence leaves her son profoundly brain-injured, a mother consumed by anger risks alienating him as she struggles to let go of the boy he might have been and accept the boy he has become.
In this draft of the logline, the hospital negligence seems separate to the story line of accepting her son's change. If the story is about the mother son relationship then the logline could start with: "After her son suffers a severe brain injury..." and save on words in the logline then continue wRead more
In this draft of the logline, the hospital negligence seems separate to the story line of accepting her son’s change.
If the story is about the mother son relationship then the logline could start with: “After her son suffers a severe brain injury…” and save on words in the logline then continue with her struggle to accept him. Here the stakes would be alienating her only son.
However if the story is about the mother’s fight against the hospital then the logline would better start as is, but continue on to the action she pursues against the hospital. Here the stakes could be losing the help she is needs to care for her son.
As Richieve said, I find more interesting her fight against the medical system or specific hospital rather than the mother son relationship.
Regardless it would be best in future to post new drafts of your logline for the same idea under the discussion of the original post of the logline instead of posting it as a new logline.
See lessAfter hospital negligence leaves her son profoundly brain-injured, a mother consumed by anger risks alienating him as she struggles to let go of the boy he might have been and accept the boy he has become.
In this draft of the logline, the hospital negligence seems separate to the story line of accepting her son's change. If the story is about the mother son relationship then the logline could start with: "After her son suffers a severe brain injury..." and save on words in the logline then continue wRead more
In this draft of the logline, the hospital negligence seems separate to the story line of accepting her son’s change.
If the story is about the mother son relationship then the logline could start with: “After her son suffers a severe brain injury…” and save on words in the logline then continue with her struggle to accept him. Here the stakes would be alienating her only son.
However if the story is about the mother’s fight against the hospital then the logline would better start as is, but continue on to the action she pursues against the hospital. Here the stakes could be losing the help she is needs to care for her son.
As Richieve said, I find more interesting her fight against the medical system or specific hospital rather than the mother son relationship.
Regardless it would be best in future to post new drafts of your logline for the same idea under the discussion of the original post of the logline instead of posting it as a new logline.
See lessA loving family man must go on the run after a powerful government program uses him as a proxy to commit murder. Now, in order to expose the truth, he'll have to reveal his own dark and secretive past.
The inciting incident isn't entirely clear, as the proxy was he inadvertently responsible for the murder? Or was he framed for a murder he had nothing to do with? The MC description doesn't need loving this is implied by defining him as a family man. The dark past description needs to be more specifRead more
The inciting incident isn’t entirely clear, as the proxy was he inadvertently responsible for the murder? Or was he framed for a murder he had nothing to do with?
The MC description doesn’t need loving this is implied by defining him as a family man. The dark past description needs to be more specific to clarify the stakes of revealing what he was before becoming a law abiding family man. Also his dark past presumably as a spy, black ops operative or a hit man isn’t relevant to the logline this could be used to flesh out the idea in the synopsis or treatment. You could though maybe allude to his background in the logline.
Better to simplify the logline by having someone frame him to make him need to prove his innocence.
If he is being framed for something he didn’t do Perhaps start with that:
After a family man is framed for the murder of a diplomat by his former special forces commander he must go on the run to prove his innocence.
Hope this helps.
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